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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24611641">the landing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteengrins/pseuds/thirteengrins'>thirteengrins</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>feature-length thirteen character studies [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who &amp; Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Development, Character Study, Cute Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, F/F, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Soft Thirteenth Doctor, The TARDIS Ships Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan, am not sure what i believed before was right, and also, and you're like.... woah, basically this is that moment that you finish a long bout of therapy, damn yas is cute, my perspective has changed, thasmin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:15:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24611641</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteengrins/pseuds/thirteengrins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A new feature length fic set post 'mercy on me'. </p><p>Following nine weeks of therapy and emotional revelations (see 'mercy on me'), the Doctor reunites with her fam and reintegrates back into life on the TARDIS. A few months in, Ryan and Graham decide to leave and, faced with abandonment, the Doctor slips back into a relapse.</p><p>(This was going to be a mental health recovery fic but might now be ~slightly~ more angsty, at least until I've fully processed the NY special.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor &amp; Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor &amp; Yasmin Khan &amp; Graham O'Brien &amp; Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>feature-length thirteen character studies [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>268</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Alright folks! Nice to see you again (or see you for the first time.... hey). I'm starting this fic by posting the very last chapter of mercy on me for context. I really hope you enjoy these little one-shots (which will likely consecutively follow each other and might even be cohesive chapters to start with, yano me). I'm ready for the fluff now please ♡</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey there, old girl.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Look who it is.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Her knees almost buckle at the familiarity. She manages a couple of steps forward, putting her pile of belongings down on the floor, before she leans back against one of the columns, closing her eyes with a sigh.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>You’re distressed.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Relieved,” she murmurs.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Bit of both, maybe.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She opens her eyes with a smirk. “You’re snappier than you were when I left. Been chatting to River again?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The engine whirs suspiciously.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Oh. You have, eh?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>You look different.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Nice change of topic, sneaky.” The Doctor pushes back against the column, taking a step towards the console. “What do you think?” </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She holds her arms up by her sides, half-heartedly spinning around in Graham’s jumper. The engines hum gently. <em>Look at your hair.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She raises a hand to her head, running her fingers through tangled hair. “I know, it’s longer. Yaz’ll fix it, though. She’s good at doing the twisty things. She’s on hair management duty.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Let’s go find her, shall we?</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Yeah. Absolutely. Deffo."</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She reaches the console, finds herself letting her head fall forwards slightly as she leans her arms on the surface in front of her. Her eyelids flutter closed. All around her, there are those familiar hums and whirs, and under her fingertips the whole place seems to ebb and glow. It’s so… normal. So real, being here.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The rush of reality makes her want to cry.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Maybe we should take a moment first.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I mean,” she takes a deep, shuddery breath, “if you want to.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Around her, the ship hums its comforts.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tears burn at her eyes. “Sorry — I just… It’s just a lot to get used to, you know?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I know. </em>A pause. <em>You’ve changed.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor blinks and the tears fall. She breathes in deeply through her nose, feeling her shoulders shake with the effort of it. Her head tilts up towards the time rotor as she says, “Too much? D’ya think I’ve changed too much?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Sit down.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I’m sorry for how I behaved before, I mean — I could’ve left you alone. I was <em>going </em>to, I was just so selfish and now, everything is different. Better, I mean. Or, it should be, but I’m worried I’m going to mess everything up again, and…”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Doctor.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “M’rambling?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Sit down.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She turns and slumps back against the console, sliding down until her knees hit the floor. She bunches the cuffs of Graham’s jumper into her fists, uses the fabric to swipe at the dampness on her cheeks. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She sighs. “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>For what? Feeling things?</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Not often I hear you say that.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Again — I’m going to have to have words with River.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor swallows, thickly, and works on steadying her heart rates. She knows this is just fear — of course, she does — and she knows it will pass. Lora is still outside those TARDIS doors if she needs him and, for a moment, she debates running back out and into the safety of that hospital-issued duvet, but she doesn’t. Because as much as Lora is still standing outside that door, he is nestled somewhere comfortably inside her hearts, now, too.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> And what would he say to her, if he were here now? </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Firstly, probably, steady your breathing</em>. Secondly… She runs her eyes over the console room and lists off five things she can see through the fresh tears blurring her vision. <em>Telepathic circuits. </em>Breath. <em>Door, floor… </em>Breath. <em>Time rotor handbrake, stabilisers…</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">
    <em> What’s next?</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">
    <em> Oh. Okay.</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">
    <em> Five things I know to be true.</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><em> My name is the Doctor. </em>Breath. <em>I spent a lot of my life on a planet called Gallifrey. </em>Breath. <em>I am older than I could have ever imagined. </em>Breath. <em>I have a family. </em>Breath.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I am loved.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She lets out a shaky sigh. Relief floods through her. Around her, the TARDIS lights glow light tangerine orange, spreading warmth throughout the space.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The TARDIS hums concern beneath her knees.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Are you okay?</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> … <em>Really?</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Yeah, really. Properly. I think this is just…” She gestures to the console room. “… I’ve just missed this. It’s an adjustment period, right? I’m allowed a few tears?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>You’re always allowed a few tears.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I know. Thanks.” She clears her throat, standing up and dusting off her trousers. “Now, though, old girl — time to get to the fam, eh?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The lights above her sparkle. <em>They can help.</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor hums an agreement, running a hand over the console. “They can indeed.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> A few flicked switches, some twisting here and there, the pull of a lever and the TARDIS jerks into life.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Nervous?</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She snorts a laugh. “Terrified.” There’s a pause as she glances to the TARDIS door; feeling the apprehension build in her shoulders and, just as quickly, brushing it off with a grin. “But I’ve done loads of things that scare me recently,” she feels the pride glow within her chest, “and I don’t regret a single one.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>♡ A reunion.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They’ve been parked up for ages. Just outside the door: Sheffield, 2020. Tea time, if she’s got it right. The weather outside those familiar blue doors will be just as consistently grey and gloomy as the day she left, which was… She checks the time on the console. <em>Literally only yesterday. For me, anyway — and what, three, four days for them?</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The TARDIS hums gently. <em>It’s not as scary as you’re making it out to be.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Am not <em>scared,</em>” she shoots back, but there’s nervous energy buzzing through her. There’s this feeling in the pit of her stomach; the same feeling she gets when she picks up that coat… She glances down, again, at Graham’s jumper swamped over her regular clothes. She still can’t bring herself to take it off.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Maybe it’s a comfort thing, maybe it’s… something else.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She sighs. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I’ve just got this feeling—” She presses a finger to just below her tummy. “—here. A feeling like I… like I can’t…”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>You don’t have to be who you were before, </em>the TARDIS responds, a hint of surprise in her tone. <em>Surely you know that.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Another sigh. “I know. I do.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>So… what is it?</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The nervous energy shoots down her legs and into her feet, causing her to anxiously hop from one foot to another. The anxiety makes her uncomfortable, so she does what she does best. Deflects. “What if she’s not even here? She might be at work, or—”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>It’s a Saturday.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “—Or perhaps she’s popped to the shops with Sonya or something…”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>Call ahead, then.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She swallows. “Alright. Okay. I can call her.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor swipes the mobile phone from the console and dials her number before she can overthink it too much. <em>I’m a grown up, I can make a phone call. Hi, it’s the Doctor! Are you at home right now? </em>The dialling tone starts. <em>Hope you are, ‘cos I’m kind of parked outside. </em>Two rings, then three. <em>S’cool if you’re not, though, I’ll go hang out with Graham for a bit, it’s no big deal…</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Doctor?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She frowns at the voice down the phone. “How’d you know it was me? The TARDIS never shows up on caller ID.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She can almost hear the smirk. “Guess she does for me.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor’s shoulders sag with relief. “Hi, Yaz.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Hi.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I’m here.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I know you are.” Through the receiver, the Doctor hears wind whipping through the airwaves between them. “I’ve been waiting outside for you, saw you arrive a few minutes ago.” Yaz huffs. “S’bloody freezing.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor grimaces. “Sorry, hang on.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She promptly hangs up, strides towards the TARDIS door and swings it open. Sure enough, Yaz is standing a few metres away, hair whipping around her face in the cold Sheffield wind, arms folded tightly across her chest.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Sorry,” the Doctor calls, from the TARDIS doorway. “I’m just sitting here freaking myself out a bit, that’s all.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz grins. “Expected nothing less. Can I come in?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor steps away from the doorway as Yaz crosses the tarmac pavement and slips inside. She watches as Yaz swipes hair from her face before closing the space between them to link her pink-tinged, freezing cold fingers with hers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yasmin Khan.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It hasn’t been long since she last saw her; not long at all, in comparison to other times they’ve been apart. Still, she soaks up the sight of Yaz’s windswept hair and cream cardigan falling lopsidedly off her left shoulder. She soaks up the sight of Yaz’s big round hopeful eyes and tentative smile.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Freaking out, eh?” says Yaz, quietly, as the Doctor squeezes her cold hands in hers.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Little bit,” she murmurs, eyes flitting back to the door. “It’s all a bit weird, this, isn’t it? I mean, me being <em>here… </em>Unsupervised and all that. Kind of started to feel like Lora was an extra limb, you know?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz nods, understandingly. “It’s gonna be weird without him. But we’re all here for you. We’ll all try and help be your Lora’s.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She smiles at that. “Thanks, Yaz.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Listen, I’ve spoken to Graham, and he’s desperate for you to take his spare room.” The Doctor feels her hearts stutter a little at that, but Yaz brushes her off with a smile. “I know, I know. I told him you’d want to stay in the TARDIS now that the two of you have been reunited.” The lights above them glow happily. “<em>But, </em>you know what he’s like. He’s done up his spare room anyway. Ryan’s even got those glow-in-the-dark stars for the ceiling.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Her eyes light up at that. “Really?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz snorts. “Yeah, really. So, what I’m saying is, you might have to compromise and stay at their place every so often. Couple of nights a week, maybe, if that sounds okay.” Yaz sighs, meeting her eyes properly. “It would make me feel better, too. I don’t want you to be alone.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor squeezes her fingers. “Got myself here in one piece, didn’t I?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz smiles. “Yeah, I just…” She clears her throat. “I was wondering, actually, if I could stay here with you for the first week or so. Not because I don’t trust you or anything,” she rushes to explain, “just because I’ve missed you, and I <em>do </em>want to make sure you’re okay, and I <em>don’t </em>think being alone is often what… makes you okay.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “You’re rambling.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I know, I know, I’m nervous.” Yaz blushes. “I don’t want you to feel mollycoddled. I just want you to be okay.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor smiles. “I will be okay, because you’re here. If you want to stay here, you stay for as long as you like. And I’ll be sure to spend the weekends at Graham’s.” She sighs. “We just have to figure out where we’re at — what everyone’s comfortable with.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz nods, ever the eager student. “Lora said communication was key.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor grins. “And communicate we shall.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz’s grin fades, ever so slightly. “Do you think you’re ready to see the others? It’s okay if you’d rather stay here for a bit, it’s just, I think… I think Graham’s making tea.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor feels warmth flood through her. “Course.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> There are few things in the universe right now that feel more comforting to the Doctor than tea at Graham’s. Few things in the universe that feel more comforting than being surrounded by her fam again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>I’m going to need a whole lot of courage, though, </em>she thinks, softly, remembering Lora’s kind words before she left. <em>May as well take the first leap.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> She leans in and presses a kiss to Yasmin Khan’s lips.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz’s hand finds it’s way to her hip. Everything is right in the universe again.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Pulling back, Yaz smiles, taken by surprise. “What was that for?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The Doctor grins. “Dunno. Just missed you. Ready to go?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Yaz laughs. “Come on, then.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a little bit of fluffy Yaz to keep you all going.</p><p>I hope everyone is doing well, keeping themselves safe, and fighting the good fight. I'm right here beside ya. Let's keep all the strength and courage we have close to our hearts; keep reading, keep learning, keep listening.</p><p>Yours, Beth.</p><p>♡</p><p>if you're able to buy me a coffee on ko-fi to support me &amp; my writing, the link is here and i love you: ♡ ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. several months later</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>post revolution of the daleks but with ~mercy on me~ thrown in there. she's missed too much of their lives because she was in space rehab, has come back and spent several (happy) months healing with the fam, but the moment she was ready to fly off again in the TARDIS... Ryan and Graham decided not to come with them.</p><p>♡</p><p>hey... missed you guys.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“…Change the timeline… That way, we could have more time together.”</p><p>Even the words sound as empty as she feels as soon as they leave her lips. Her voice scratches in her throat. Her vision blurs with tears. The TARDIS hums between the two of them, expressing grief of her own.</p><p>“It’s okay to be sad,” Yaz whispers, a gentle reminder, but the Doctor barely hears her.</p><p>Because Ryan and Graham are gone.</p><p>She have to didn’t lose them heroically in battle, didn’t have to watch them forget her for their own good, didn’t have to live with the fact that they were trapped in a parallel universe forever. They chose to leave, of their own accord.</p><p>
  <em>Why does that almost feel... worse?</em>
</p><p>She can barely take her eyes off those closed blue doors. She’s watched them walk away from her, leave her here, and now she can’t bare to move her eyes from the last place she’s seen them. <em>Maybe if I keep looking, they’ll turn back.</em></p><p>Seconds pass. Minutes maybe.</p><p>
  <em> No use. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They’ve had enough of me. </em>
</p><p>“Doctor?” Yaz’s hand rests gently on her shoulder and, by instinct, she shrugs it off. This feeling that overcomes her, now, is not one she wants to share with Yaz. This feeling isn’t all sadness, or love, or pride — some of it is anger and guilt and regret and deep, deep down, this kind of… Broken-ness. That’s not something she wants Yaz to see. </p><p>“I just need…” <em>God, my voice…</em> She barely recognises herself; those raw, tearful, shaking words. “Sorry, Yaz, I just need…”</p><p>“Some time alone?” suggests Yasmin Khan; ever-forgiving, ever-understanding. The Doctor doesn’t meet Yaz’s eyes, just nods vacantly, and beside her, Yaz hums uncertainly. “If I pop outside for a moment, grab some stuff from Mum’s, you won’t…” She clears her throat, but her voice still breaks. “You won’t go disappearing again, will you?”</p><p>If her heart weren’t already broken, it’d break again. The Doctor shakes her head; less in response to Yaz’s question and more in disappointment with herself. For <em>she’d</em> done this to Yasmin Khan. She’d taken advantage of ever-forgiving, ever-understanding Yaz before and she’d <em>hurt</em> her. She’d do it again, as well. Yaz said it herself, earlier. <em>One day, you will. </em></p><p>The Doctor meets Yaz’s eyes, hoping Yaz wouldn’t see the uncertainty inside. “‘Course I won’t.”</p><p>Yaz frowns. “What you going to do?”</p><p>“Oh.” She looks around desperately. “Fix something. Eat something. Take a nap.”</p><p>Yaz smiles a little at that. “I know you’re joking, but eating and napping don’t sound like such bad ideas, you know. You could probably use five minutes shut eye.”</p><p>The Doctor tries to smile. Her face feels foreign again, like she’s just regenerated and she’s all shaky and fragile and new.</p><p><em>No, that's not right. I don’t feel new</em>, she thinks, suddenly. <em>I feel the oldest I have ever felt. </em></p><p>“Doctor,” Yaz says, softly, tugging slightly at the Doctor’s shoulder until they’re facing each other. “I’ll be less than half an hour, I promise. Do you promise you’ll stay right here? In the TARDIS?”</p><p>The Doctor clears her throat. Somewhere, she registers the dampness of tears on her cheeks. She swipes gently at them with the sleeve of her coat. “Promise. I’ll be right here.”</p><p>Yaz reaches out and squeezes the Doctor’s hand. Her hand is cold and warm at the same time. The Doctor finds herself looking down, watching Yaz’s hand hold a hand that doesn’t look like hers, that doesn’t feel like hers. She feels herself slipping away, but she squeezes Yaz’s hand back and then watches Yasmin Khan walk away and out through the blue doors and away away away—</p><p>She closes her eyes and feels her hands scrunch into fists.</p><p>“Don’t know what you’re so upset about,” she tells herself, through gritted teeth. “You did this to yourself.”</p><p>
  <em>You don’t really think that, do you? </em>
</p><p>The TARDIS, chiming in as usual. The Doctor doesn't feel the familiar rush of gratuity that usually accompanies her friend’s words. All she feels now is… hollow. She opens her eyes.</p><p>“I shouldn’t have left it so long,” she says, vacantly. “I left them for months on their own. They had time to live without me, they — they realised they were better off when I wasn’t there…”</p><p>
  <em>It wasn’t your fault they were on their own. </em>
</p><p>“It was my fault I came back,” she spits, suddenly full of venom. “I saw the looks on Graham and Ryan’s faces, I saw what I did to them and now Yaz…” Her hearts beat out of time, drumming in her chest. “Now I’ll do the same to her. Make her miss out on her life because she’s too busy running off with me. She was right. One day, I’ll disappear. I’ll have to disappear, because she’ll be old and grey and she’ll have <em>wasted her one life on me</em>.”</p><p>The TARDIS falls silent. The Doctor stands still for a moment, feeling her nails dig into the fleshy part of her palms, feeling her hearts thudding in her chest, feeling the weight of loving and losing so often, feeling her carelessness suddenly catching up with her. She moves towards the console, breathing heavily.</p><p><em>I know what you’re thinking</em>, the TARDIS hums, gently, <em>and I don’t think you should do it. </em></p><p>Almost before she knows she’s doing it, almost before she’s had time to process what she’s about to do — almost, but not completely — they’re in transit. She’s pulled down that damn lever and she’s clutching to the console as they fly through space and time with tears streaming down her face and three words pulsating, angry and red, in her mind.</p><p>
  <em>Not good enough.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>eeeeek angsty. in my mind, she's flying off to see Lora for some emergency advice. we'll see what happens next but she literally just lied to Yaz's face so expect some more ~angst~ and ~guilt~♡♡♡</p><p>as always if you're able to i have a lil ko-fi account and i appreciate donations more than you know</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the doctor reflects on leaving yaz behind.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter is dedicated to kathryn and amber. thank you so much for your kind donations. writing is my career and, obviously, that means a lot of the time my income is unstable and that can make things feel a little out of control. but hey, it'll take a lot more than financial instability to stop me chasin' them dreams. your lovely donations really help. honestly.</p><p>this one's for you.</p><p>♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It doesn’t take long for the regret to sink in and when it does, it hits hard. She stays on her knees on the floor of the TARDIS, breathing heavily, feeling the tidal wave of shame wash over her.</p><p class="p1"><em>It’s a time machine, </em>she tries to reason with herself over the loudness of her shame, <em>I’ll just go back to this exact moment. I"ll just take some time and then I'll be right back and she'll never even notice. I haven’t really left her, not really…</em></p><p class="p1">And yet, she can see it so clearly. Yasmin Khan, standing, inches away from the front door of her apartment block, fingers reaching down to her pocket to pull out the key when she hears it. The familiar sound of the TARDIS screeching away — and it does screech, this time, more reluctant to leave than she’d ever know — leaving her alone.</p><p class="p1">Again.</p><p class="p1">It’s too late to go back, now. Yasmin Khan would never want to see her again.</p><p class="p1">“Stop it, stop it,” she mutters, heart racing. “Stop that, Doctor.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>You should go back.</em>
</p><p class="p1">The Doctor winces at the TARDIS’s voice. Around her, the shaking and rattling stops until they’re moving at a gentle whir, coasting now through space and time, soaring through the vortex… Further and further away from Yasmin Khan.</p><p class="p1">She shifts to sit with her back against the console, leans her head back against the metal, watches the lights of the ceiling.</p><p class="p1">“I was wondering who I was,” she says, aloud, voice breaking. “I know now. This.” She gestures to the empty TARDIS, to her broken body on the floor. “This is who I am.”</p><p class="p1">Silence. She should be used to it, by now, but she isn’t. She’s used to being alone, but that… Quietness, that stillness devoid of chatter or laughter or even the clink of metal teaspoon against china mug — it sounds like only one thing. Loneliness.</p><p class="p1"><em>You didn’t have to be lonely, </em>the TARDIS hums. <em>You had Yaz.</em></p><p class="p1">“Yaz deserves better,” she says in the space of a breath. "She does."</p><p class="p1">A hum of disagreement.</p><p class="p1">“You can’t deny that. She’s so…” A million different words buzz through her mind. “She’s so <em>Yaz. </em>And I’m — what? I mean, I don’t even know who I am, aside from…”</p><p class="p1">Only a handful of words in her mind, this time.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>The one they leave behind.</em>
</p><p class="p1">Funny, that. It had always felt the other way round until now. She’d always carried the guilt of loving and leaving and losing and now she only feels <em>left. </em></p><p class="p1"><em>Left isn’t a feeling, </em>she tells herself, pragmatically. <em>No, the feeling is… Abandoned.</em></p><p class="p1">“That’s not fair,” she says aloud, scolding herself. “That’s not fair at all. They have lives they want to lead, people they have to take care of… Ryan’s got his mates and Graham and — God, they’ll live great lives — and if they live great lives <em>without </em>me, that’s just…” She swallows, thickly. Her cheeks burn. “That’s fine. That has to be fine. I can’t blame them for this.”</p><p class="p1"><em>You can punish them, though, </em>murmurs the TARDIS. <em>Isn’t that what you’re doing now? Punishing them?</em></p><p class="p1">“What? No, of course not.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Really? Because it feels like they’ll suffer, regardless of your intentions.</em>
</p><p class="p1">She sighs. “Sometimes, you’re altogether too clever.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor pushes herself to her feet, feeling shaky and unsteady. She makes her way slowly to the doors, hovers there for a moment, then pulls one open.</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” she says, watching stars collide with glassy eyes. “Why did you bring me here?”</p><p class="p1">The colours are magnificent, exploding into one another dramatically against the inky blackness of the sky. She’d brought them here — all three of them — months ago. It’d been one of the last places they’d been together before everything happened on Gallifrey; before she found out about the Timeless Child and went to the facility and met Lora and went back to the fam on Earth and…</p><p class="p1">“Too much has happened,” she whispers. “Nothing will ever be the same again.”</p><p class="p1">She’d just been starting to feel better. To feel more like herself — whoever that is. She’d spent the last few months with her fam doing… well, <em>human </em>things. She’d let Yaz plait her hair almost every day — now that it was long enough — and they’d gone for walks along the canal with Graham and Ryan when the weather got frosty and the water sparkled. The four of them had huddled around Graham’s fireplace, had tea with Yaz’s parents, ate out at Ryan’s favourite restaurant, spent hours trying to teach him to ride a bike.</p><p class="p1">Normal things. Human things.</p><p class="p1">That’s how she’d started to feel — human. She’d started to feel more herself than she’d ever felt; that’s what drew her back to the TARDIS. It’d been sitting on the corner of the street between Yaz’s and Graham’s for months. She’d gone back to check on her, of course, once a week or so. Usually, Yaz would come with her and they’d just sit in the console room sharing cups of tea and custard creams and stories. Loads of stories. The Doctor had plenty.</p><p class="p1">One day she’d told Yaz she was ready to travel again. It’d been months since she’d left Lora and the facility, and she felt braver. Still a bit shaky, still a but unsure, but braver.</p><p class="p1">And then Ryan and Graham said they’d rather stay. And everything shattered.</p><p class="p1">“What do I do now?” she murmurs to the exploding sky.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>You know what to do.</em>
</p><p class="p1">Sometimes, it’s hard to tell where her thoughts end and the TARDIS’s begin.</p><p class="p1">“I have to go back,” she whispers. The starlight makes everything look golden. Stardust falls and settles across her nose like sparkling freckles. “Not to Earth, not yet.”</p><p class="p1">She pauses. Sighs.</p><p class="p1">“To the facility.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>as always, you glorious people, i will keep writing this regardless, but if you're able to donate a couple of quid on my ko-fi, i'll be able to buy nice snacks and scented candles because sELf cArE</p><p>sending endless amounts of love and good wishes to you all</p><p>beth x</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p><p>p.s. one of my children's novels just got longlisted for a major award. i can't believe it. can y'all manifest a shortlist place for me please?! i'll take all the good vibes i can get in 2021</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor reunites with an old (?) friend.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Look at us, here again. I'm so glad to have so many 'mercy on me' readers here for the ride! You guys are just absolutely stellar. I start a new job on the 18th of this month, but you can probably consistently expect a chapter a day until then (it's my NY resolution to write more -- this counts, right?)</p><p>There's gonna be l o a d s of 'mercy on me' spoilers / crossovers from here on out! The story itself will make sense whether you've read the other feature-length fic or not, but just some fair warning that if you're finding yourself short of reading material the moment, you might wanna dig into that one first.</p><p>Endless love.</p><p>♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It feels a lot like it did last time. Hovering about the console room, twitching fingers ready — but not ready — to open the doors. It feels like she’s arriving back on Earth for the first time, wondering whether there'd still be people there that loved her; an anxiety she’d hoped she’d never have to feel again.</p><p class="p1">The anticipation of seeing Lora feels different, though. He was there through the… dark stuff. Through all the stuff she wouldn’t let the fam see. He was there, impartial and open-minded and consistent. Without him, she’d be…</p><p class="p1">Well, that’s not a thought she likes to entertain.</p><p class="p1"><em>Come on, Doctor, </em>she wills herself. <em>Open. The. Door.</em></p><p class="p1">As if on cue, and sick of her indecisiveness, the TARDIS clicks the door open on her behalf.</p><p class="p1">“Well,” she murmurs, feeling a lump rise in her throat. “Not exactly what I had in mind, but…”</p><p class="p1">She can see it through the crack in the open door. The facility, just as it was when she left. The Doctor steps forward, slips her hand into the sliver of daylight and pulls the door open. Her whole body seems to sigh with relief.</p><p class="p1">The grass, the park benches, the kind-of-clinical-yet-homely building with it’s glass sliding doors and ivy climbing the brickwork. She’s far away, here, out by the trees, but if she squints she can see the bedroom window that used to be hers.</p><p class="p1"><em>Wonder if they’ve fixed the latch. </em>There’s a pang of guilt as she remembers breaking the window just before a panicky moment last time she was here. <em>Maybe I should be forking out to fix it for them… Never really been any good with money, though.</em></p><p class="p1">As if giving her a gentle nudge, the TARDIS doors creak open a little wider. The sunlight is bright but not blinding, the clouds thin and fluffy, the air fresh and clean and kind of salty; like, if this whole world wasn’t relying on a tailored perception filter, it might be by the ocean.</p><p class="p1">Birds sing lightly in the trees leaning over the TARDIS.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Sparrows.</em>
</p><p class="p1">The Doctor steps forward again, closes the TARDIS door behind her. It feels like yesterday and years ago that she was here, standing out by the trees to escape another therapy session, planning a break-out with a girl she barely knew, bonding with the kitchen staff, reluctantly participating in Circle Time…</p><p class="p1">
  <em>How can it be yesterday and also years ago?</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>How can I have time travelled my entire lives and still not have gotten used to this feeling?</em>
</p><p class="p1">She wills her feet to move, forces herself to step one foot after another toward the building. As she gets closer, she can see through the wide glass doors of the refectory a little clearer. Inside those doors, the recreation room, where patients played board games and absently sipped at cups of tea until it was their turn to tell their story.</p><p class="p1">Closer, still, and here’s the fountain and the benches positioned to face it, just close enough to feel the spray of water on your bare ankles. There are a scattering of patients and doctors, but no one really looks up as she approaches. She always kind of liked that about this place. For somewhere so intimate, it still holds it’s anonymity.</p><p class="p1">Still, she keeps her distance. She’s still trying to think of what to say.</p><p class="p1">The Doctor watches the fountain with vague interest. Allows herself to drift back to where she used to be. Allows herself to long for the simplicity that came with being institutionalised. The routine, the structure. The people, always ready to listen.</p><p class="p1"><em>You’re romanticising it, </em>she reasons with herself, but deep down she doesn’t really think so. It was the best thing she ever did, coming here. Even if she did have to be dragged, kicking and screaming.</p><p class="p1">Someone clears their throat beside her.</p><p class="p1">She starts. Spins to face them.</p><p class="p1">“Hello,” Lora says. “Can I help?”</p><p class="p1">It takes a moment for her to realise. A second, a scan of his face — void of all recognition, a little fresher than she remembers, a little <em>younger</em> — for her to register what she’s done. Lora isn’t greeting her the way she’d expected. He’s greeting her like she’s a…</p><p class="p1">Stranger.</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh, </em>she thinks, suddenly. <em>Stupid Doctor. Stupid TARDIS. It’s…</em></p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Lora says, with a slightly confused smile. “Are we expecting you?”</p><p class="p1">…<em>Too early.</em></p><p class="p1">Though, now that she thinks about it, last time she came there were <em>definitely </em>handcuffs. How come she’s getting the royal welcome this time? She stops herself from frowning. Lora wouldn’t have a bloody clue what she was on about if she said <em>that </em>aloud.</p><p class="p1">She clears her throat. “Hi. Sorry. Actually, I’m a — uh — past patient.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh? Lovely — let me just check our records—”</p><p class="p1">“—Actually, <em>future </em>patient, sorry. Time lord, it’s kind of hard to explain—”</p><p class="p1">“—That’s quite alright,” Lora reassures her in a heartbeat. “Unusual, but quite alright.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh, </em>she thinks, warmly. <em>You haven’t changed at all.</em></p><p class="p1"><em>Or, you </em>won’t <em>change at all. That’s kind of comforting.</em></p><p class="p1">“I’m the Doctor,” she offers, suddenly sheepish.</p><p class="p1">“Nice to meet you,” says Lora. “And I’m Doctor Lora Mara — though something tells me you know that already.”</p><p class="p1">There’s something about his voice, something about the familiarity… It makes her breath catch in her throat. When she speaks, it’s barely a whisper. “It’s nice to meet you, Lora.”</p><p class="p1">Her heart aches.</p><p class="p1">“Now,” Lora says, calmly. “We, surprisingly, aren’t at full capacity at the moment, so I think I might be able to find you a bed for the night.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, no, I don’t need—” She stumbles to find the right words. “I don’t think I need to be <em>admitted, </em>I just came here for, uh, I don’t know…” Lora meets her eyes, waits patiently until she’s found the words. “I mean, when I was here, you told me to find you if I needed you again.”</p><p class="p1">“I understand.” Lora nods, hums, glances down at his watch. “But it’s getting late. I understand your anxiety but — and I’m assuming you’re in no rush to be anywhere—” He almost makes her laugh with that. Almost. “—how about I offer you one a forty-eight hour stay? Two nights, no formal commitments to stay any longer.”</p><p class="p1">“Why two nights?” she asks, quietly, picking absently at the skin of her thumb. “Why not just a few hours?”</p><p class="p1">Lora smiles. It’s all it takes for her shoulders to release the tension they’ve been holding.</p><p class="p1">“Forgive me, Doctor,” he says. “I understand that you’ve known me for quite some time, but I think I might need just a little bit longer to comprehend your situation and suitably offer advice. Does that make sense?”</p><p class="p1">She sighs. “Yeah. Yes, I mean. Of course.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll show you to your room. Did you… Do you remember which one you stayed in last time? If you like, we can have the perception filter show you things exactly as they were when you last stayed here.”</p><p class="p2">The birds sing faintly overhead. </p><p class="p1">“Yes,” she breathes. “I think that’s exactly what I need.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ahh. It's our pal Lora, but not ~quite~ in the right time period. He always seemed like he'd met the Doctor before during her /first/ visit to the facility, right?</p><p>Love you guys for sticking around. Donation link below for those who are able to. You guys make me so happy and proud to be writing this?! I dunno. You're great. Love ya.</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p><p>♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>New, old bedroom. New, old Lora. Some new, old feelings, too.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Lora — in typical Lora fashion — leaves her to have a moment alone in her new, old room. The idea was probably for her to take a moment to reflect on why she’d come back, to think about moving forward and getting better and… Well, she knows what she <em>should </em>be doing with her time now that she’s alone in a safe space.</p><p class="p1">Instead of doing any of these things, the Doctor weeps.</p><p class="p1">With the door firmly shut behind her, she sits on the edge of the bed, facing the window. She doesn’t choose it — doesn’t actively want to start bawling her eyes out — but there’s just something about this place. There’s just this <em>air, </em>this mixture of homely and clinical, this overwhelming feeling of being safe and cared for… She’s missed it.</p><p class="p1">It’s not that she didn’t feel safe with the fam, it’s not that at all. It’s just… There was always this voice niggling at the back of her mind, telling her that she was burdening them. Ryan and Graham leaving has kind of reaffirmed that. Here, she’s burdening no one. Here, she’s just… cared for.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Wonder what Yaz is doing now…</em>
</p><p class="p1">She swipes at the tears uselessly, but they’re still streaming down her cheeks. Every old tear track immediately replaced by a fresh one.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>No, don’t do that. Distraction. Come on, distraction. </em>
</p><p class="p1">This room. She wonders, briefly, how long it will be until she’s here again. <em>Past </em>her. Or future her, depending on who you ask.</p><p class="p1">“Hello, desk,” she murmurs, scanning glossy eyes over the room. “Hello, armchair.” She strokes her thumb over the familiar cotton sheets. “Hello, bed.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Talking to yourself, </em>she scolds. <em>First sign of madness, that, Doctor.</em></p><p class="p1">“First, Doctor?” She sighs, suddenly exhausted. “I think we lost it long ago.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>That’s not the only thing we’ve lost.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Back to Yaz again. Ugh.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“She’ll be fine,” the Doctor murmurs, clutching desperately at straws to console herself. “Course she will. And if she isn’t, then…” She swallows, thickly. “Then she’d still be better off than if she were with me.”</p><p class="p1">There’s a knock on the door. A gentle knock; three quiet taps.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?” she calls. Her voice croaks.</p><p class="p1">The door creaks open — <em>oh I’ve missed these creaky doors — </em>and Lora pops his head in. The Doctor swipes desperately at the tears on her face, suddenly embarrassed. This Lora doesn't know her vulnerability. Not yet, anyway.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not what it looks like,” she says. “Definitely not crying.”</p><p class="p1">“Of course,” says Lora, a little too quickly. He pauses for a moment in the doorway, eyes gently scanning her face, before he says: “Do you mind if I come in?”</p><p class="p1">She gestures to the armchair and watches Lora click the door shut behind him and take a seat. He’s a little nervous, she can tell. He’s still got that air of Lora-ness about him; that calm understanding, quietly listening energy, but he’s also younger. A little bit more unsure. Tentative, maybe. He holds his hands together while he speaks, like he’s keeping them still for a reason. Doing things straight from the book, this Lora. He could even be straight out of medical school, for all she knows.</p><p class="p1">“I was wondering,” Lora says, quietly, meeting her eyes. “If anyone else knows that you’re here, Doctor.”</p><p class="p1">She shakes her head. “No, I kind of… ran away.”</p><p class="p1">Another difference between <em>her</em> Lora and this... new Lora — he doesn’t have his notebook yet. When she'd been here before, she'd almost grown accustomed to Lora's soft scribbling. It felt natural. She'd talk, and he'd listen intently while his hand scrawled spidery handwriting across the lined pages of his notebook. She wonders at what point in his life Lora starts carrying it around like he’s attached to it at the hip. It’s definitely not something he’s learnt to do just yet.</p><p class="p1">“Is there something you need to talk about, Doctor?” he asks, tilting his head to one side.</p><p class="p1">She swipes again at her cheeks. The sleeve of her coat now has a large damp patch by her fingertips. “No. I don’t think… I don’t know.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Are we really doing this? </em>She sighs, feeling the disappointment settling in. <em>How long did it take for us to open up last time? We made so much progress and now we’re just going to half-ass it?</em></p><p class="p1">She scans Lora’s face, forming an argument against herself. <em>But this Lora is different.</em></p><p class="p1"><em>Does that matter? </em>She shoots back, increasingly aware of Lora’s frown as he watches her, silently. <em>You did the right thing. You came straight here when you needed help, rather than just… </em>She swallows again, blinks away hot tears. <em>You came here. So now, talk. That’s what you came here for, right?</em></p><p class="p1">“I did something terrible,” she murmurs, not meeting his eyes. “I spent such a long time here, and I felt better — like, really, better. I spent loads of time with the fam on earth and then, when I felt ready to travel again, they just…” She shakes her head. “Two of them didn’t want to come with me. Ryan and Graham. It’s not their fault, of course, they have lives they need to live on earth, but it just made me feel so… so…”</p><p class="p1">“…Rejected?” Lora offers.</p><p class="p1">“Right. Rejected.” She sighs, blinks away the last of the tears. “And kind of — I dunno — abandoned? Like, we’d put in all this work together, I really thought we’d be together forever and then it turns out I’m just not…”</p><p class="p1">“Not, what, Doctor?” Lora prompts. “Good enough?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor shrugs. “Something like that. It kind of just felt like maybe I was too much? Maybe it’s not about them not wanting to travel with me, maybe it’s…” There’s a lump in her throat. “Maybe it’s <em>me </em>they don’t want.”</p><p class="p1">Lora hums. “That seems like a reasonable conclusion to jump to.”</p><p class="p1">She snorts. “You’re a lot more subtle with your observations in the future.”</p><p class="p1">Lora smirks at that. “Am I? There’s something to look forward to.” She smiles, and Lora leans forward on his knees, meets her eyes. “What about the rest of your fam? You said two of them chose to stay — and we’ll talk about that more, by the way — but what about the rest of them?”</p><p class="p1">“Yaz.” Her name comes out like a whisper. Like a promise, somehow. “When I told you I did something terrible, <em>she</em> was what I was talking about.”</p><p class="p1">Lora leans back in the armchair. It creaks gently against him. “Hm?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor picks absently at a loose thread on the cotton sheets. “She… she wanted to stay. But after everything with Ryan and Graham I just felt like she — like <em>I — </em>would be robbing her of her human life, you know? It just didn’t feel right to do that.”</p><p class="p1">“Did you want her to come with you?”</p><p class="p1">“Of course. Yeah." A pause. "Always.”</p><p class="p1">“So, you were protecting <em>her</em>, by leaving her behind?”</p><p class="p1">“It sounds awful when you say it like that.” She runs tired hands through her hair. “I felt abandoned so I abandoned her. I’m just…” Her unfinished sentence hangs in the air between them. She clears her throat. “Lora, earlier, you asked me if anyone knew I was here. Why’d you ask that?”</p><p class="p1">“Ah,” he says, gently. “Yes. Well, it seems you have a couple of visitors. At least — they’re asking for a Doctor, and I presume it isn’t me.”</p><p class="p1">Her hearts stop. “Visitors?”</p><p class="p1">“Come with me,” Lora says, standing up from the armchair. “I’ll take you to them, if you’re ready.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you guys enjoyed! There'll be another chapter later or tomorrow depending on how productive I'm feeling so please click ~subscribeeee~ for angst straight to your inbox. Proud to be serving you up some emotions in this rubbish time.</p><p>Drink your damn water, call your bloody mates, remember to check in with yourself + each other.</p><p>It's bloody freezing in the north of england at the moment and my shitty single-glazed bedroom window doesn't shut properly so I'm having a stellar 2021 so far. Currently saving up for a heated blanket so if you're able to donate to Beth's Pity Fund, you know your couple of quid will be ~truly well spent~ (link below)</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p><p>Endless love. Stay safe, fam. See you soon.</p><p>♡</p><p>Also, fic recommendations?! Thirteen centric or Thasmin or whatever. Gimme your recs. ♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Two visitors wait patiently to see the Doctor.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">A few shaky steps and it all feels too much. The Doctor stops in the corridor, a handful of paces behind Lora, leaning against smooth white walls for support. <em>Two visitors, that could be anyone, </em>she thinks, feeling the anxiety rise up in her throat like bile. <em>Of all my timelines, all of my lives, how many people have I met? </em></p><p class="p1">
  <em> Alright, loads. Could definitely be anyone.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> But how many of them would come to visit me in a place like this?</em>
</p><p class="p1"><em> Wait — how many of them </em>know <em>that I’m here?</em></p><p class="p1">“This is too much,” she breathes, hearts pounding. A little further ahead down the hallway, she notices Lora turn back and start heading towards her. “Sorry, I just… I came here to get away, you know? I wasn't expecting to be found -- I don't <em>want </em>to be...”</p><p class="p1">Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registers Lora’s hand on her arm, an attempt to ground her, but she presses her back to the wall and sinks down to the ground anyway.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry—”</p><p class="p1">“—You don’t need to apologise,” Lora says, ever-so-slightly tentative, as he crouches down beside her. He takes a breath, seems to need a second to gather his thoughts. She almost smiles at that. If she could manage to control her shaking body, she’d offer him some kind of reassurance. <em>You're doing just fine. </em>“I think, maybe, we should do a grounding exercise?”</p><p class="p1">She doesn’t respond. Can’t respond, not yet, but Lora, tentative as he might be, nods anyway.</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” he says, slowly. “Can you list me five things you can see?”</p><p class="p1"><em>Could if I could open my eyes, </em>she thinks, bitterly. <em>Or get my bloody mouth to work. </em>She can’t seem to control her body’s reaction, can’t seem to calm herself down no matter how much deep breathing she does. Her palms are sweating and her eyes are scrunched closed as her heart thuds in her ears. She can barely hear Lora anymore, but she can feel his hand on her shoulder, squeezing firmly.</p><p class="p1">“Alright, okay, how about this.” He lowers his voice, but it’s still firm; still authoritative, somehow. “Five things you know to be true.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh, we’ve been here before, </em>she thinks, warmth creeping into her hearts. <em>I remember this well.</em></p><p class="p1">“My name is the Doctor,” she says, her words spilling out like a secret. “I spent a lot of my life on a planet called Gallifrey.”</p><p class="p1">She feels her eyes start to open. Through the blur of her lashes she notices Lora nodding. Encouraging her to carry on. She takes a deep breath.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve spent the last few months on earth with my family.” She almost chokes on the last word, but her fists are starting to unclench. Lora’s eyes are comforting, steady, focussed only on her. “I travel the universe in my TARDIS — or, wait, I used to…” The Doctor opens her eyes, now, feels the panic dissipate but the sadness settle like dust in her chest. “Was that five? I don’t know much else, Lora. I barely know anything.”</p><p class="p1">A hint of a smirk plays on his lips. “Somehow, I find that hard to believe.”</p><p class="p1">She snorts a laugh. It’s enough for her heart rate to return to somewhere near normal. Around them in the hallway, patients and staff walk by as if there’s nothing unusual about this situation at all. She finds that comforting. Leans back against the wall and just watches people’s ankles move by for a minute or so.</p><p class="p1">“Who are my visitors?” she whispers, eventually, turning to face Lora. He’s shuffled around now, sitting next to her at the foot of the wall so the others can pass easily. “I need to know.”</p><p class="p1">“Why?” he replies, his voice just as soft as hers. When he speaks, his head is tilted up to the ceiling, eyes squinting against the lights. “What difference would it make, knowing who’s come to find you?” He turns, now. Meets her eyes with his own kind gaze. “Would you decide against seeing them? Tell me to send them away?”</p><p class="p1">She sighs. <em>It’s so frustrating when he’s right.</em></p><p class="p1">“No,” she agrees. She clears her throat, sweeps strands of hair away from still-damp cheeks. “S’pose it doesn’t matter really.” She searches his face for answers and then, finding none, says: “S’pose whoever they are, they’ve come all this way to find me. Right?”</p><p class="p1">Lora smiles. Tentatively, he reaches out a hand to help her to her feet.</p><p class="p1">“Then, I suppose,” he says, slowly. “We ought not to keep our guests waiting. Ready?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>There’s no such thing as ready, </em>the Doctor thinks, as they approach the door to the reception room. <em>Not when it comes to things like this.</em></p><p class="p1">Still, she lets Lora lead her to the room where her visitors are waiting. It’s a room she’s only been to once, when she was trying to break out of the facility within her first couple of weeks here. It’s the room where, for the first time in what felt like centuries, she heard River’s voice playing through tinny metallic speakers.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Hello, Sweetie.</em>
</p><p class="p1">Beautiful, wonderful, intelligent River. River who’d had her admitted here for feelings she’d barely realised she’d felt. River who made her stay here to save the future version of herself.</p><p class="p1">That’s a debt the Doctor doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to repay.</p><p class="p1">“Ready?” says Lora, pulling her out of her reverie. They’ve reached the double doors that lead through into the reception room. Inside, the Doctor can hear voices; faint, faraway conversation.</p><p class="p1">“No time like the present,” she murmurs.</p><p class="p1">Lora pushes the door open. They step inside.</p><p class="p1">Her visitors are waiting, their backs to her, by the front desk. They look out of place, here, the two of them, but maybe that's because it's been so long since she's seen two worlds crossover like this. The Doctor loiters in the doorway, hearts drumming in her chest, wondering whether it’s too late to turn and run back down the endless hallways until she’s back in the safety of her bedroom.</p><p class="p1"><em>S’not my bedroom, </em>she reminds herself, lightly. <em>I don’t live here, not anymore.</em></p><p class="p1">She takes a deep breath. Steps forward.</p><p class="p1">The double doors click shut behind them.</p><p class="p1">He’s the first to turn around. Meets her eyes almost instantly. The look on his face makes the Doctor want to cry. He looks so… broken. He smiles, still, but that breaks her heart even more, because his smile is weak and wavering and doesn’t reach his eyes. He turns to nudge his companion, but he’s a second too late, she’s spinning around already…</p><p class="p1">No need, really. The Doctor would know the back of that head anywhere.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WHO IS IT? Guesses?!</p><p>two chapters in one day?! see, /this/ is why you've clicked subscribe, right? would've missed that lil burst of productivity, otherwise... (pssssst click ~subscribeeee~ and stay in the loop like a cool kid)</p><p>signing off for the evening to respond to some of your lovely comments and read read read loads of /your/ fics! feel like I never get time to read anymore and I'm SO looking forward to a cute cosy evening, I can't even tell you. thank you for all your recommendations, I'm going to try to get through a big chunk of them tonight and will be sprinkling kudos + comments around like a damn fairy ♡</p><p>being longlisted for that big novel award has definitely sped up the process with the publishers we're talking to for my kids book (eeeeek everything crossed!) but my financial situation is still, currently ~dire~ and so unstable with my freelance work and covid and new uk lockdown and... ugh. a huge crock of shit. a few of you have suggested making an amazon wishlist so I have but like, truly, if you don't have the cash, don't feel guilty at ALL. we all just out here tryna survive the apocalypse together folks♡♡♡</p><p>if you are able to, though, you've no idea how much your donations mean. yesterday one of you anonymously donated £3 to my ko-fi and i cried. real tears. it means more than you know to feel looked after in a time when everything just feels so rubbish.</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p><p>amazon wishes (it's mostly tea and blankets ahahaha): https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/dl/invite/0nRNOKW?ref_=wl_share</p><p>another update tomorrow? you bet your ASS there will be. now, i'm gonna play phoebe bridgers on repeat and read some of your fics. if you wanna add to my reading list HIT ME UP i bloody love it. and i love you. see ya tomorrow. ♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor and her guests sit down to talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a chapter dedicated to nibs, kathryn, and those who've anonymously spared a lil cash to help me through the apocalypse. as always, your support means more than you can know.</p><p>♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“Why are you…” The Doctor starts, voice wobbling. Her eyes flick between the two of them. “<em>How </em>did you…”</p><p class="p1">“Lora gave me his details last time, remember?” Yaz’s voice is soft, but her expression is… harder. The Doctor feels Lora’s thinly veiled surprise beside her. <em>Another person he doesn’t know yet. </em>“I couldn’t think of any other place you’d run off to in such a hurry.” The Doctor watches Yaz press her lips together, furrow her eyebrows. “I couldn’t think of any other place you’d go to and risk losing…”</p><p class="p1"><em>Me. </em>She doesn’t have to say it. The word hangs between them like an empty promise.</p><p class="p1">She pulls her eyes away from Yaz and onto him. “She called you?”</p><p class="p1">Beside Yaz, Captain Jack Harkness shrugs, sheepishly. “I told her if you needed help, I’d be here. You should be proud your girl knows who to call.” He tries to joke, but his words fall flat. “Plus, she kinda needed the vortex manipulator to follow you. But I’ll pretend it was just for the pleasure of my company.”</p><p class="p1">Silence settles between them. The Doctor swallows back a lump in her throat, feels her eyes drift away from the two of them and to the stretch of empty carpet between them. They both look so… different. Jack looks more tired than she’s seen him in a long time; sad, too. There’s a light he used to radiate that now doesn’t even reach his eyes. And Yaz — well, Yaz just looks… angry.</p><p class="p1"><em>I deserve her anger. </em>She blinks back hot tears, eyes fixed on the floor. <em>I did this.</em></p><p class="p1">“Ah,” Lora says, shifting awkwardly. “Perhaps we ought to move our conversation somewhere else. And I think, maybe, some introductions are in order?”</p><p class="p1">He glances to the Doctor and she nods, granting silent permission. Lora extends an arm towards the glass doors and starts to lead the way out into the fresh, green gardens.</p><p class="p1">Yaz frowns, eyes flicking to the Doctor. “Introductions?”</p><p class="p1">“Wrong timeline,” she explains, tiredly, without meeting Yaz’s eyes. “I came back too early. Lora hasn’t… met us yet.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.”</p><p class="p1">There’s an awkward pause. With a frustrated sigh, Yaz follows Lora first, the two of them stepping into the sunlight together.</p><p class="p1">Jack loiters behind. Falls into step beside the Doctor.</p><p class="p1">“Nice place, this,” Jack says, quietly but with fake cheer. “Yaz says you were here for a while, before.”</p><p class="p1">“You and Yaz mates now, then?” She doesn’t mean for it to come out so bitterly, but it does. She doesn’t know why her words hold so much venom; not after the two of them have come so far to find her. She clears her throat. “Sorry.”</p><p class="p1">Jack shrugs. He holds open the door for her to step through. A peace offering.</p><p class="p1">“I was surprised when she called,” he says, quietly. “I was even more surprised when she told me you ran away.” He holds a hand up to shield his eyes against the sunlight. “Doesn’t seem much like the Doctor I know.”</p><p class="p1">She squints against the light. “Maybe nobody knows me, anymore.”</p><p class="p1">Jack frowns. “Come on, now. Surely, you don’t—”</p><p class="p1">“—Guys.” Yaz is a few steps ahead. “You good?”</p><p class="p1">Her face is scrunched up in concern, and the Doctor almost breathes a sigh of relief that Yaz’s anger seems to have dissipated slightly. Lora has led the three of them to a cluster of benches in a shadowy part of the garden. There’s a small fountain nearby; close enough that they can hear the water, far away enough that they don’t feel the spray of water on their ankles.</p><p class="p1">She’s never been round to this part of the gardens before. Usually, she’s round the back of the building, where the bedrooms and recreation room overlook wide fields and forests. Here, at the front of the facility, there are a smattering of benches and fountains, but less wide, open space. It’s a little more shaded, a little more closed off. The benches Lora leads them to face back towards the building; overlooking glass windows that see through into white hallways. It looks less homely, from this angle. The Doctor feels a sudden pang of disappointment that Jack and Yaz are seeing it for the first time like this.</p><p class="p1">The three of them take their seats on separate benches. Jack and Yaz on one side, the Doctor opposite. It already feels like she’s being ganged up on. She feels herself sink lower into her seat.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Whatever’s about to come, it’s not going to be good.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Introductions would be helpful for me,” Lora explains, still standing and facing them like a teacher addressing the class. “I’m still getting used to situations like these.” He smiles at them, but the Doctor avoids his eyes. “I’m Doctor Lora Mara.”</p><p class="p1">“Captain Jack Harkness,” Jack says, with a smile and a salute. “Old friend of the Doctor’s.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz clears her throat. “Yasmin Khan.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh. That’s it?  </em>She sinks lower. <em>Okay.</em></p><p class="p1">“Now, since this situation is obviously one the rest of you are more… familiar with,” Lora says, slowly, eyes scanning over the three of them. “I think I’ll go and get us some refreshments. Water, perhaps. And some tea.” He shifts, nervously. “I’ll give you some time on your own before we talk altogether.”</p><p class="p1">“Actually,” Jack says, standing up with faux confidence. “I think I’ll join you, Doc.” He throws a look back at the two of them. “I think you guys should catch up before I join in. If that’s okay?”</p><p class="p1">Yaz nods at the same time the Doctor’s mouth opens and closes soundlessly.</p><p class="p1">“Cool,” Jack says, flashing a smile. He turns to Lora, slaps an over-enthusiastic hand on the man’s shoulder and says, “So, how long’ve you been working here…?”</p><p class="p1">They watch the two of them walk away in silence, Jack’s ever-flirtatious voice drifting further and further away.</p><p class="p1">Eventually, the Doctor murmurs, “Lora’s going to need more therapy than I do.”</p><p class="p1">It was meant as a joke, but there’s no humour in Yaz’s eyes when the Doctor turns to face her.</p><p class="p1">“No more of that,” Yaz says, softly, eyes shining. “No more joking, now. No more pretending. I’m tired of pretending.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor nods. Whispers, “Sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“You can’t just run away when things feel tough.” Yaz clears her throat. Leans forward on her knees and looks the Doctor dead in the eyes. “So, I’m here. I need you to be real with me, now, Doctor.” She sighs. “Please. I need you to tell me what’s going on.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>oooh things are about to get angsty. there'll be an update later on today (before 11pm GMT) so ~subscribeeee~ to get a notification straight to your inbox regardless of timezone.</p><p>I had the best time reading through some of your fics last night. if i haven't left a comment on yours, i haven't started it yet, but rest assured I'll get around to the rest in the next few days. i had the cosiest evening reading your wonderful words. you're all brilliant.♡</p><p>thanks for your kind donations! kathryn -- I bought a heated blanket. it comes friday, i think, but man if you haven't changed my life! thank you so much. if you're able to, you guys are really keeping me afloat in this shitty shitty time and i love you endlessly for it (link below).</p><p>can't wait to see what you think of these next few chapters ahhhhh!</p><p>your faithful servant, </p><p>beth</p><p>♡♡♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yaz and the Doctor open up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really hope you guys like this one! Get ready for ~emotions~ ♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The Doctor presses her palms together, looks everywhere but Yaz’s face, picks anxiously at the skin of her thumb; Yaz watches, silent. The Doctor clears her throat, shuffles awkwardly on the bench, takes a deep breath, then exhales just as slowly. A long string of fidgeting avoidance and the whole time Yasmin Khan just... quietly waits.</p><p class="p1">Eventually, the Doctor says, “I think I might be broken.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz’s expression softens. “Why do you think that?”</p><p class="p1"><em>Good old Yasmin Khan, </em>thinks the Doctor, forcing herself to look up and meet Yaz’s concern head-on. <em>No ‘of course you’re not!’. No ‘don’t be stupid’. Just… quiet curiosity. </em>It's one of her favourite things about Yaz, that. The quiet curiosity.</p><p class="p1">“I was doing okay,” she murmurs, shame churning in her stomach. “Then one little thing happens and suddenly I’m — what? Just some little kid running for the hills.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz’s eyebrows furrow. She leans back on the bench, watching the Doctor intently.</p><p class="p1">“I think I’m disappointed,” the Doctor says, meekly. “In myself, I mean. I’m supposed to know how to handle these feelings without reacting like this, and yet…” Her fingers ball into fists. “And yet, even now, I’m here—” She gestures around her, to this place of healing where she learnt how to be herself again. “—Even here, I still feel all of these things, and I still don’t know how to deal with them.”</p><p class="p1">“Right,” Yaz says, slowly. She nods, but her thoughts seem elsewhere. “What feelings?”</p><p class="p1">“Too many to put into words.” She says that firmly. With ferocity. “I could be thousands of years old, for all I know, Yaz. It’s a very real possibility that I might be older. And I’m so… so <em>angry </em>that I’ve been forced back into being a child so many times that maybe I just… always will be. Maybe I’ll never be able to process things properly because I’ll never grow past being a kid.” The words tumble out of her mouth until she’s breathless. “I think I… might be broken.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz frowns. “I think I understand.”</p><p class="p1">There’s a pause between them. The birdsong above them seems too quiet; out of place and eerie. The Doctor wonders what kind of a conversation Jack and Lora might be having, briefly, but then her mind pulls her back to Yaz. It always comes back to Yaz.</p><p class="p1">“You’re angry with me,” the Doctor says, quietly. “Aren’t you?”</p><p class="p1">Yaz sighs. “Yeah. But I can be angry about you and still love you, Doctor.”</p><p class="p1">Her hearts seem to swell.</p><p class="p1"><em>Of course you can, </em>she thinks, fondly. <em>The full breadth of human emotion. You can feel it all at once. That’s what I love about you.</em></p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry,” she whispers, cheeks burning. “I panicked and I ran. It wasn’t about…” <em>You. </em>That’s what she was going to say. It stops somewhere on her lips. If Yaz can be this honest, so can she. “Okay, no, full disclosure…” She sighs. “It <em>was </em>about you, a little bit, I suppose.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz tries to mask her surprise. “Why, Doctor?”</p><p class="p1">“Because…” She shrugs, uselessly. “Just <em>because.</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Because, what?”</p><p class="p1">“Because Ryan and Graham leaving made me realise how selfish I’m being with you,” she says, suddenly. “They left because they saw how valuable their lives on earth were, and they saw how much they were missing out on. They did the right thing.” She leans forward to meet Yaz’s gaze, eyes glistening. “Who am I to make that decision for you? Who am I to decide you get to waste your life away travelling with me?”</p><p class="p1">Yaz sighs. Closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath.</p><p class="p1">For a moment, the Doctor thinks, <em>this is it. She’s going to stand up and walk away. She knows I’m right, deep down. She must do.</em></p><p class="p1">Instead, Yasmin Khan opens her eyes, stands up and moves to sit next to the Doctor. When she sits down, their knees bump together. The Doctor fixes her eyes on Yaz’s face, confusion flooding over her own. “—Yaz?”</p><p class="p1">“Listen to me,” Yaz says, so softly she might be whispering. “I need you to listen to me, now.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor swallows. She can hardly bring herself to nod. </p><p class="p1">“You don’t get to make these decisions for me.” There’s urgency in her voice, and something else, too, something the Doctor can’t quite put her finger on. “Ryan and Graham did what’s right for them. Every human is different. Every <em>person </em>is different. Ryan and Graham love you and want what’s best for you, and they trusted that you’d be okay without them.”</p><p class="p1"><em>They did, </em>the Doctor thinks, feeling tears spring uselessly to her eyes. <em>They trusted me, and I let them down.</em></p><p class="p1">
  <em> I let everyone down.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“For them, travelling with you was temporary, and now they’ve learnt and grown and they’re <em>better people because of you</em>,” Yaz presses on, reaching out to press her hand to the Doctor’s knee. “You made them better people, and now they’re ready to move on. They’re ready to plan for the future.”</p><p class="p1">“What about <em>your </em>future?” the Doctor whispers, placing her hand over Yaz’s. “What about—”</p><p class="p1">“<em>You are my future.” </em>Yaz’s voice is louder, now. She enunciates every syllable like she’s pronouncing a new law. “Me — I’m different to Ryan and Graham. I know this is the path my life was supposed to take. I don’t need to plan for the future. I love you, now. That’s all I know.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh. </em>That’s what the other thing was — the thing she heard in her voice, just a moment ago. Not just urgency, but urgency and… <em>Love.</em></p><p class="p1">The Doctor squeezes her eyes shut. Tears escape down her cheeks and she scolds herself for the amount of times Yasmin Khan has seen her weep.</p><p class="p1">“We’ve been through this once, we can get through it again,” Yaz reminds her, gently intertwining both of their hands. “Can’t we? Doctor?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor can’t bring herself to open her eyes. Her body shakes with the sobs she’s repressing. “Yaz…”</p><p class="p1">“I know I get frustrated with you sometimes,” Yaz whispers, moving closer so their foreheads are almost touching. “I’m sorry that I do that. And I know sometimes you dunno how to deal with stuff and you run away instead of talking to me.” <em>I’m sorry for that, too, </em>the Doctor thinks, squeezing Yaz’s hands in her own. “But that doesn’t mean either of us are broken. Can’t you see that? We’re not broken, we’re…”</p><p class="p1">Yaz’s eyes desperately search the Doctor’s face, but her eyes are still closed and her breathing rapid. Yaz sighs, running her thumb over the back of the Doctor’s closed fist.</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” she says, softly. “Remember this for me — you came back from this facility to see me, once, and we walked through Sheffield after you scared the crap out of me with your teleporting — remember that?” She waits until the Doctor has nodded before continuing. “I told you I wanted to support you the best I could, and you said thank you, and I said: you don’t need to thank me, you just need to…”</p><p class="p1">“…Tell me what you need,” finishes the Doctor, voice croaking. “That’s what you said.”</p><p class="p1">Despite herself, Yaz’s face stretches into a tearful smile. “Right. And when I said that, you told me what you needed, right there and then. It took loads of courage, but you did it. Remember?”</p><p class="p1">Slowly, the Doctor’s eyes open and find Yaz’s. “I remember.”</p><p class="p1">“What did you say?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor smiles, swiping at damp cheeks. “I asked you to hold my hand.”</p><p class="p1">Fingers interlocked, the two shuffle closer on the park bench.</p><p class="p1">“Whatever you need, I’ll be here,” Yaz promises, shifting until the Doctor’s head is resting on her shoulder. “Whether that’s for me to hold your hand or hunt you down when you go running off to planets I’ve never heard of.” The Doctor snorts a laugh. “I will be here. And that is <em>my</em> <em>choice</em> to make.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>part of me was like 'no beth this is too soon they wouldn't have this kind of raw vulnerable conversation right away' but then i realised how much emotional foreplay (terrible phrasing sorry) they've done in previous chapters and i just thought... actually these emotions are really surface level for the doctor and yaz at the moment. these girls have both had therapy (yeah yaz has defo had therapy fight me) and they understand what they're feeling they're just tryna... understand each other's perspective, i guess? understand how to properly handle their feelings? idk. as always i love your psychoanalysis' of this piece so keep it coming aha!</p><p>thank you all for your kind comments, kudos, and general love you send in my direction. what a community, eh? can't begin to describe how lucky i am to have ya, readers.</p><p>drink your water, water your plants, CALL YOUR LOVED ONES, change your bedsheets.</p><p>your faithful northern gremlin,</p><p>beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor and Jack take a walk.</p><p>This chapter was just MADE to be accompanied by Phoebe Bridgers 'I missed your heart'.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just the one chapter today, angels, so it's slightly longer because I love you so much... Hope this little bit of fluff can tide you over until tomorrow! Check out the notes at the end of this fic for some more reading recommendations in the meantime. ♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“I think you should talk to Jack,” Yaz says, quietly, her fingers absently brushing hair away from the Doctor’s face and back behind her ear. “I mean, I panic called him, got him to bring me here and now I feel like I’ve just…” She sighs, shaking her head. “Sometimes I can be kind of selfish. I haven’t even thought about how he feels in all this. I mean — he’s off with Lora now doing <em>God </em>knows what…”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor hums, distracted by Yaz’s hand hovering by her hair.</p><p class="p1">“Jack will be okay,” she assures her, with a niggling guilt in her stomach. “Don’t feel selfish. You did… everything right.” She sighs. “But you’re right. I need to talk to him.”</p><p class="p1">“Wait here.” Yaz’s hand drops to the Doctor’s shoulder. Squeezes gently. “Just wait here for a moment. I’ll find them and give you two some time alone so you can… talk.” Yaz stands, frowning slightly. “Wait, is there a cafe here or something? I could’ve sworn I smelled coffee earlier.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor chuckles. “Ask Lora to take you to the recreation room. Grace will make you coffee — if she’s here, yet…” She shakes her head. “I dunno. Wrong timeline. Someone will be there, anyway.” Yaz nods and starts to move past her, but the Doctor catches her hand and pulls her back. “Yaz — can I just—”</p><p class="p1">She only catches the confused expression on Yaz’s face for a split second before she’s tugged her down and pressed their lips together. The Doctor, head tilted up, fingers interlocked with Yaz’s. Yaz stooping low and almost losing her balance and half-laughing into the Doctor’s mouth. It’s a moment of normal. A moment of quiet in the loudness of her brain.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve missed you,” the Doctor whispers when she finally pulls away.</p><p class="p1">Yaz grins. “Missed you, too.”</p><p class="p1">With one last squeeze of her hand, Yaz pulls away and heads off across the lawn. There’s a spring in her step that doesn’t go unnoticed by the Doctor, who watches her walk away until she’s slipped through the glass doors and back into the reception.</p><p class="p1">The thoughts niggle at the back of her mind. <em>I don’t deserve her.</em></p><p class="p1">“Stop that,” she mutters, blushing as she settles back on the bench. She pulls her legs up underneath her to sit cross-legged, shuffles to face the fountain and watch the water spray up and out over it’s intricate stone walls. “That kind of thinking is exactly what landed us here in the first place. Well, that and a hundred other things. The point is — it’s just not <em>true.</em>”</p><p class="p1"><em>Alright, that feels a bit better, </em>she thinks, triumphantly. <em>Take that, me.</em></p><p class="p1">By the glass doors, Captain Jack Harkness slips out into the sunlight and heads towards her. She stands up as he gets closer, straightens her coat nervously. Yaz is right, after all. He’d brought her here, no questions asked.</p><p class="p1">“Jack,” she greets him, smiling but unable to stop herself picking anxiously at her thumb. “Hi.”</p><p class="p1">They stand, a few paces apart.</p><p class="p1">“So…” Jack says, with a tentative smile. “Here’s a situation I’m in. That I know <em>precious </em>little about.” He leans across the distance between them to nudge her, playfully. “It’s nice to see you again, by the way.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh my God. </em>With the shock of seeing Yaz, of being here, she’d almost forgotten how long it’d been since she’s seen him. Since he’s seen <em>her. Oh, that’s a good point… he’s never seen me as a </em>her <em>before.</em></p><p class="p1">She almost laughs. “God, I’m an idiot. You probably feel like you know Yaz better than you know me, don’t you?”</p><p class="p1">Jack laughs. “You’re <em>totally</em> an idiot if you think that’s true. I <em>know </em>you, Doctor, I’ve just never seen you look so good.”</p><p class="p1">She snorts. “Stop it.”</p><p class="p1">“Fine.” He scans his eyes over her new face, smirking. “Hey, shall we walk and talk? I’ve been sitting with your pal in there for a while. Haven’t done <em>nearly </em>enough exploring.” He offers her a hand and she takes it, falling into step beside him once again as they pad softly across the field. “Some fancy ass psych ward you’ve landed yourself in, here, Doc.”</p><p class="p1">Her elbow swiftly connects with his ribcage. “<em>Oi.</em> It’s actually more like… rehab.”</p><p class="p1">“Rehab?” Jack exhales, good-humoured as always. “Ah. Now you’re speaking my language.”</p><p class="p1">Her eyes flit up to meet his. “Really?”</p><p class="p1">He meets her gaze with a knowing look. “We’ve both been alive quite some time, now, Doctor. For me, it was somewhere around the two-hundred year mark that I broke.” He smiles. “But you’re a lot stronger than I am. Makes sense it took you a few centuries longer to find yourself in a place like this.”</p><p class="p1">She doesn’t quite know what to say to that. Instead, she clears her throat and says, quietly, “How much did Yaz tell you?”</p><p class="p1">Jack’s expression sobers. “Not nearly enough.”</p><p class="p1">She nods, a lump in her throat.</p><p class="p1">They stop walking. Jack turns to face her, frown lines etching themselves over his forehead, deepening the crack between his eyebrows. “Listen — when you want to talk about it, I want to hear it, alright? No sooner, though. I’m just…” He touches her arm, then drops his hand back to his side, suddenly sheepish. “Well, I’m ready when you are. Only when you are, Doc.”</p><p class="p1">She swallows. He starts walking again, brushing off the awkwardness, and she follows. They’ve reached the grassy stretch of garden around the back of the building, now. The birdsong is louder around here; the fields more open and airy and forgiving. It feels lighter, somehow.</p><p class="p1">The Doctor doesn’t think too much about it. Her fingers reach out to grasp the sleeve of Jack’s coat as he walks slightly ahead of her, tugging until he turns back, confusion flushing his cheeks. She takes a deep breath, and hugs him. Hard. She feels his surprise at first — that split second of tensing up before he relaxes and pulls her in as close as he can. Holds her tight. When she finally pulls away, Jack is beaming.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, you,” he says, fondly. “You always pretend you’re not a hugger, but…”</p><p class="p1">“Give over.” She keeps her hand on his arm as she rolls her eyes. “You never change.”</p><p class="p1"><em>I’m so glad, </em>she thinks, warmly. <em>I’m so glad you never change, old friend.</em></p><p class="p1">There aren’t many patients out at the moment, though the benches are still scattered lightly with people drawing or knitting or writing. The Doctor feels a sudden pang of annoyance that she never got around to knitting last time she was here. <em>Maybe this time.</em></p><p class="p1">“The way Yaz pitched this to me, it didn’t seem much like a Rescue Mission,” Jack muses, as they pause by the doors to the recreation room. “I take it you’re… staying?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor sighs. “48 hours. That’s all I committed to. It’s all I think I… need.” She meets his eyes. “I’m sure Lora could find somewhere for you guys to stay, if you want?”</p><p class="p1">Jack grins. “Thanks, Doc, but I’ve done my time. You brought the TARDIS right? I’ll make myself comfy in there, ’til you’re ready. You’ll have to show me to my room, though.”</p><p class="p1">“You don’t have a room,” she insists, scrunching her face up in amusement, “You’ve <em>never </em>had a room.”</p><p class="p1">“I had a <em>suite—”</em></p><p class="p1">“Hey,” Yaz says, breathless as she reaches them, juggling three mugs of steaming tea. “Leave you alone for five minutes, you’re already at each other’s throats?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor snorts. “Not quite. Don’t worry.”</p><p class="p1">Their fingers brush as she takes her mug from Yaz. Beside her, she just <em>feels </em>Jack raising his eyebrows.</p><p class="p1">They stand now, the three of them, in a sunlit garden on a nameless planet, floating thousands of miles away from Earth. And yet sparrows still swoop above their heads, and patients still tap their knitting needles together with careful concentration, and steam from the tea billows up into the air around them as they cradle warm mugs in warmer hands. As Jack and Yaz fall into easy conversation, the Doctor finds herself slipping into their laughter. Warmth spreads through her as quickly as wildfire, as firmly as hope.</p><p class="p1">She feels, for the first time in a long time, as if she is coming home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, I know, just a lil fluffy walk through the gardens. I just love Jack a lot, you know? And I wanted to show the Doctor that, even with Ryan and Graham still on Earth, her 'fam' expands further than just the three of them.</p><p>Normal service resumes tomorrow! As always, thank you so much for your comments, your love, your good vibes and well wishes... God knows what I'd do without you guys. Sending SO much love back your way. We have snow in the north today so it's been a cute day of writing and tea-drinking and removing that pressure to be productive to make room for a little self care. It's been lovely.</p><p>"But Beth, you usually give us two chapters a DAY! What will we do now, with this gaping hole in our lives?"</p><p>Never fear, my friends. If you're looking for extra reading material tonight, I have just finished BINGE READING 'I like the chance you take, I like the mess you make' by emmyphant: THIS is your fic if you want something long and heartwarming and Yaz-centric. Coffee shop au, little adorable students Yaz &amp; Jolie navigate a new relationship against all odds. It warmed me from the inside out.</p><p>I'm also in the middle of a 'Shattered' binge-read by Anobii1992 -- another longfic that's heavy on the angst / hurt / comfort which y'all know I LIVE FOR. Also, anything by WalkerLister is stellar. That enough recommendations for the time being?! I'm back tomorrow, anyway. Click ~SUBSCRIBE~ so ya don't miss out!!</p><p>Have you watered your plants &amp; yourselves today?</p><p>Go do it.</p><p>Yours, Beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p><p>p.s. YAY. We hit the 10k word mark!♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stargazing, blankets, some wise words from Lora.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have a teeny personal announcement in the end notes for you all.</p><p>Enjoy this chapter! Sending endless love.♡</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The evening did not fall, as most evenings do, but instead drifted quietly in. The Doctor, Yaz, and Jack sat together on the lawn and watched the planet shift and move around them. They ignored the soft chiming bells that reminded other patients to go to their one-to-one’s, felt themselves get hungry and nominate one another to sweet-talk the kitchen staff, and were gently cornered by Lora individually each time they snuck back inside for drinks or to use the bathroom.</p><p class="p1">Lora remained soft and patient. He waited in the recreation room, visible through the glass doors, talking to other patients but just staying nearby. The Doctor appreciated that. He didn’t need to be an active part of the conversation — not yet — but his presence was there, a constant reminder: <em>you are not alone.</em></p><p class="p1">When the sky is starting to shift from blue to inky black, it’s the Doctor’s turn to head back inside and hunt for blankets. She walks, barefoot (shoes had been abandoned hours ago) across damp grass and follows the yellow light of the recreation room, slipping in through the doors. She finds Lora, alone, now. It’s close to lights-out for most of the patients, she remembers that much, and he’s just sitting quietly with his paperwork as the kitchen staff gently clatter around, clearing up for the day.</p><p class="p1">He looks up as she enters, meets her eyes as he peers over the top of his spectacles.</p><p class="p1">“Hi,” she says, awkwardly, loitering in the doorway. “Uh, I came to get blankets.”</p><p class="p1">“You know where they are.” He gestures to a nearby basket, watches with amusement as she rifles through to find the softest ones. “You can stay out there as long as you like, you know.”</p><p class="p1">“I <em>was </em>going to ask,” she assures him, glancing up mid-dig. “I know it’s nearly lights-out.”</p><p class="p1">Lora shrugs. “As alumni, I’ll give you this special privilege.”</p><p class="p1">"Alumni?" The Doctor pauses, smiles. She fishes out her chosen three blankets and turns to face him, leaning back against the basket. “Have you — I mean…” She clears her throat. “When I arrived, earlier, you said you’d look for my file and I assumed it wouldn’t have been written yet, but I was wondering, did you…?”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.” Lora turns in his chair to face her properly. “I didn’t know if that would be helpful or a hindrance. I thought it best not to do anything until I’d asked your permission. Would you like me to look for your file?”</p><p class="p1">“I mean—” She blushes. “The file from my time here probably won’t exist yet. I suppose, I was <em>more </em>wondering when River had told you guys to start looking for me.” Lora looks at her, blankly. She fumbles for an explanation. “In the future — your future — I’m kind of… admitted against my will. The person who told you to do that was, is, a friend of mine. River.” She sighs. “Never mind. I’m being stupid. I just thought, if I could figure out <em>when </em>she told you to find me, I could figure out what I’d done in the first place. What I’ll do, I mean. To land myself here.”</p><p class="p1">Lora’s face, just as blank with confusion, twitches with amusement. “Oh, time travel. Funny old thing, isn’t it?”</p><p class="p1">She sighs. Runs her fingers over the wicker basket beneath her. “Yeah. It doesn’t matter.”</p><p class="p1">“Quite right,” Lora says, surprising her. “I don't suppose it does.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor raises an eyebrow.</p><p class="p1">“Time,” sighs Lora, “is tricky. I don’t intend to go meddling with my own timeline, yet alone yours. It seems the only sensible thing to do here is to trust that both you, and the version of myself I’m soon to become, know what to do.” He removes his glasses, presses his thumb and forefinger to the bridge of his nose. “After all, in the future, I tell you to come back if you need help. I must’ve known that meant coming back here regardless of linear timeline. I have to trust in that.”</p><p class="p1">Something warms her from the inside out. “Alright. If you’re trusting it, I’ll trust it.”</p><p class="p1">Lora smiles, lightly, places his glasses back on his nose and turns back to his paperwork. “Now then, best not to keep your friends waiting.”</p><p class="p1">Lora pretends not to notice as she swipes the biscuit tin from a nearby table, slipping with a smirk back out into the night.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The sun has completely disappeared behind the neat row of forestry at the far side of the facility’s gardens, and the three of them have blankets strewn over their shoulders and empty mugs by their feet as they half-lie, half-sit on the dewy grass.</p><p class="p1">There’s so much she wants to say to them, really, but finding the words is difficult. As much as she wants to tell them, she also doesn’t want to ruin this moment. Doesn’t want the sound of her voice to break through the peace they’ve built for themselves.</p><p class="p1">But she can't help it.</p><p class="p1">“I’m glad you came,” the Doctor says, simply, as the first few stars start to peek their way through drifting clouds. “Really.”</p><p class="p1">Somewhere in the soft grass and softer blankets Yaz’s hand finds hers. Their fingers intertwine. “Couldn’t stand to lose you again.”</p><p class="p1">Beside them, Jack smirks, clears his throat, and shuffles to his feet.</p><p class="p1">“It’s good to be here, Doc. We’re family. You don’t have to go through anything alone, anymore.” He swipes the blanket from around his shoulders and drops it over their knees. He flashes them a grin and mock-salutes. “Alright, ladies, I’m off to bed. TARDIS key, Doc?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor lets go of Yaz’s hand to fish in her pockets, throwing him the key which he catches easily. “<em>Don’t </em>lose that. And don’t go messing anything up.”</p><p class="p1">“I won’t go rooting through your stuff, don’t worry,” he assures her, cheekily, with a wink. As he turns and walks away, across the field to where the TARDIS is parks, he calls, “I still have a bar in my room, right?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor shakes her head with a smile.</p><p class="p1">“He doesn’t have a bar,” she tells Yaz, quietly. “At least, I don’t <em>think </em>he does…”</p><p class="p1">Yaz straightens the blanket over their legs, smoothing the fabric absently with the palms of her hands. She’s lost in thought, the Doctor can tell. It’s one of those moments where she wishes she had less morals and could use her slight-telepathy to get a grasp on Yaz’s emotions.</p><p class="p1">She checks in with herself, hands itching to reach out. <em>Nope. Can’t do it. We’ll just have to figure this out the old-fashioned way. </em>She lets her hands rest on the blanket over her knees.</p><p class="p1">“You know, you can tell me anything,” the Doctor says, softly. “I won’t judge you for it.”</p><p class="p1">Above them, stars sparkle effortlessly. The clouds have parted and the air is clear and cool. The only sounds are the fountains scattered around the lawn. Faintly, staff still moving around in the kitchens, the cleaning staff moving in for the night.</p><p class="p1">Yaz sighs. “Yeah. ‘Course.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” the Doctor says, with a slight frown. “So long as you know.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>alright I KNOW I could've been better with my cliffhanger there but you'll either get an update in a few hours or tomorrow so you'll just have to ~subscribeee~ and hang tight until then.</p><p>also i, uh, came out to my family last night, at the ripe old age of 24. my heart is racing as I'm writing this ahaha I'm re-living the nerves of yesterday. I've known I was bi for years but I've been able to be open and myself when I'm living away from home, and since I've had to move back in with my family indefinitely (pandemic ugh) I've felt like I've been holding part of myself back..? yesterday I caved and I told them and though i don't think they're /totally/ cool with it they're definitely not UNcool and things have kinda carried on like normal. i feel like i can properly breathe, anyway, so that's something.</p><p>new year, new beth. or just.. brave beth? idk, who is this girl?!?</p><p>...I kinda like her.</p><p>anyway, I read a couple of fics with coming out themes recently (@emmyphant i'm looking at you) so I also have those wise writers to thank for giving me that little extra nudge. that lil bit of courage I needed. thank you.</p><p>I need to do some journalling and ~processing~ today, do a bit of life admin etc etc, so you may very well get a chapter later or it might just be tomorrow. either way, thanks for being here, thanks for reading, thanks for constantly bigging me up to the point where i think i might have too much confidence. this is dangerous. whatever will i do next...? (probably write ANGST to bring myself back down to earth lol)</p><p>Love you all.</p><p>Beth </p><p>♡</p><p>if you have extra pennies at the moment, I don't, so please help a very skint, fresh from the closet bisexual buy some books and coffee this week by following the link below:</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yaz has a difficult confession to make.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">They watch the stars together. For every second that passes, the Doctor’s heart rate seems to increase. Yaz shifts uncomfortably next to her, and even though they’re so close that their knees keep bumping against each other, the Doctor knows there’s a distance that hangs between them.</p><p class="p1"><em>We’ve messed this up, haven’t we? </em>She thinks to herself, with quiet panic rising up in her throat. <em>How can we mess something up without even </em>realising? <em>Never been great at the social cues, Doctor, but how have we missed something this huge?</em></p><p class="p1">She swallows. Plucks up the courage. Says it before she can convince herself to back out.</p><p class="p1">“There’s something you’re not saying,” says the Doctor, quietly, nudging Yaz’s pinky finger with her own. “I know I shouldn’t push you, and I know I shouldn’t make you feel like you <em>have </em>to tell me.” She sighs. Withdraws her hand and pulls her knees up to her chest in defeat. “In a perfect world, I’d be endlessly patient and understanding, but Yaz—”</p><p class="p1">She looks up, finally, meets the Doctor’s eyes.</p><p class="p1">The Doctor clears her throat. “Well, uh, I’m not perfect. And this is killing me.”</p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Yaz sighs, edging her hand a little closer to the Doctor’s. “I’ve just been trying to think of the right way to phrase what I’m feeling. I don’t want to upset you.”</p><p class="p1">She swallows, thickly. “No such thing as the perfect way to tell me, Yaz.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz nods, slowly. “No such thing as perfect.”</p><p class="p1">She can almost hear Yaz’s rapid heartbeat through the silence.</p><p class="p1">“I’m scared,” whispers Yaz, not meeting her eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Scared of <em>what?</em>” The Doctor frowns, shifts position so she can face Yaz properly. At Yaz’s avoidance, her heart sinks. She feels herself leaning back, leaning away, putting space between them. “…Me?”</p><p class="p1">“What? No.” Yaz scrambles to explain, eyes suddenly flicking up to lock on hers. She shuffles until she’s holding both of the Doctor’s shaking hands in her own. “No, no. Please don’t think that.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor’s eyes glisten. “What are you scared of, Yaz?”</p><p class="p1">There’s a hardness to her voice that even <em>she </em>didn’t expect.</p><p class="p1">Yaz frowns at the change in the Doctor’s tone; presses her lips together in a feeble attempt to stop the quiver in her bottom lip. “I’m scared that…” She squeezes her eyes shut and then opens them just as quickly. Takes a deep breath. “I’m scared that I love you more.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Oh. Wait… what?</em>
</p><p class="p1">“I don’t understand,” the Doctor says, squeezing Yaz’s hand gently in her own, all that hardness in her voice instantly softening. “You’re scared that you love me more…”</p><p class="p1">“That I love you more than you love me.” Yaz’s voice quivers as she says it, and she bites her lip in embarrassment, suddenly grateful of the darkness hiding the pink that flushes her cheeks. “I don’t want to make you feel bad. Sorry. I just… sometimes I feel like I just…”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>How is that even possible?</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Is this because… I left you behind?” the Doctor says, hearts thudding in her chest.</p><p class="p1">“More than once,” Yaz reminds her, almost apologetically. “You left me more than once.”</p><p class="p1">She can pretend that it doesn’t hurt, but it does. It’s almost more than she can bear, because this is confirmation. <em>It’s my fault Yaz is hurting. </em>The gasp that escapes her lips is small, involuntary, but Yaz notices. Yasmin Khan notices everything.</p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry,” Yaz begins. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to say…”</p><p class="p1">“No.” Her eyes are burning with tears, but her voice is firm. “This isn’t your time to apologise, Yasmin.”</p><p class="p1">“You used my full name,” Yaz whispers, eyes glistening.</p><p class="p1">“I need you to hear me,” the Doctor says, just as softly. “I need you to pay attention, now.”</p><p class="p1">All around them, the entire planet seems to hold it’s breath. Suddenly, all of the background noise has melted away; the birds, the people, everything. The slight breeze that had started to pick up and carry across the lawn has gone. The world around them is completely still, completely quiet, and holding it’s breath in anticipation.</p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry.” She breathes her apology so gently, but the weight of it could move mountains. “I’m sorry that my coping mechanisms are rubbish, there’s still…” She gestures to her head, gently. “There’s still a lot of reprogramming to be done up here.” That earns her a tearful smile. “I have a lot to apologise for, and I’ll spend the rest of my days apologising if I have to.”</p><p class="p1">“You don’t have to,” Yaz murmurs.</p><p class="p1">The Doctor smiles. “I’ll find a hundred different ways to show you I love you, Yaz. A thousand different ways, even.” Yaz laughs, swiping fresh tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I will show you every day, for the rest of our days. How I feel about you is so… big, so incomprehensibly, unfathomably <em>huge, </em>that I don’t know how you could <em>ever </em>believe that you love me more.”</p><p class="p1">Their eyes lock. Blankets tangle hopelessly in knees as the two of them shift closer.</p><p class="p1">“You really love me?” Yaz’s voice is small. “Really?”</p><p class="p1">“More than anything,” the Doctor promises. Their foreheads touch, warm breath on tear-stained cheeks. “More than anything.”</p><p class="p1">“I love—”</p><p class="p1">Before the last word has even left Yaz’s lips, the Doctor’s are crashing into them. She closes the space between them, swipes away the unnecessary distance they’ve created and pulls Yaz into her arms. The Doctor kisses Yasmin Khan with desperation and longing and love, a thousand times over, love. When their lips are pressed against one another, and Yaz’s hands are in her hair, and the entire universe is holding that one shared breath, there are only three words swirling around at the forefront of her mind.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>She loves me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">The words burn inside of her; they make so much noise that Yaz’s heart hears and thrums the same three syllables back to her. The words echo, back and forth, between them. Around them, the universe exhales to the sound of two soulmates intertwining against all odds, in asimple garden in a complicated galaxy surrounded by vast, swirling, impossible possibility.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>She loves me.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>what do you *mean* you haven't subscribed? when there's THIS MUCH angsty smoochin' to look forward to? (click the button, you never know when you'll need a lil bit of fluff delivering to your inbox)♡</p><p>thank you all so much for your kindness after my own little confession yesterday. I feel really floaty and whole and full of love. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'll look forward to sharing more with you tomorrow (or later tonight if you're lucky and I'm productive).</p><p>I don't have much else to say today, I'm just... so happy we're all here.</p><p>endless love (drink a glass of water, call the people who love you!!!)</p><p>~ Beth</p><p> </p><p>♡ ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee ♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lora has some words of wisdom.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The sun shines across a cloudless sky. It’s the morning; early enough that the birds are still singing and the sun isn’t high enough to feel properly warm yet, but late enough that the air around them smells like coffee and warm bread. In the recreation room, the early-risers amongst the patients have drifted towards the gentle hum of the coffee machine (the Doctor could swear there isn’t a coffee machine in the future. In the fresh morning air, she allows herself to speculate why, exactly, that is.) She’d briefly caught up with a bedhead-ed Yaz when she’d ducked her head into the TARDIS just after sunrise, so she assumed that Yaz was either still waiting for Jack to wake up, or she’d also followed the scent of coffee somewhere inside.</p><p class="p1">The Doctor, always an early riser, has been subtly tracked down by Lora, who finds her cradling a cup of tea and watching the birds swoop low on her favourite bench. She's been sitting out here for hours now, legs tucked up underneath her as she curls against the wooden arm of her seat. Peaceful.</p><p class="p1">“Mind if I join you?” Lora asks, hovering, tentative, by the arm of the bench.</p><p class="p1">She looks up. Smiles. “Sure.”</p><p class="p1">He takes his seat beside her. They sit in comfortable quiet. The Doctor knows that Lora wants to talk to her about… feelings and stuff — why else would he be sitting here so patiently? Still, she drinks her tea in silence and feels him settle into the bench beside her, hardly seeming to mind at all.</p><p class="p1">“It’s been a while since we’ve been here,” the Doctor says with a soft smile, breaking the silence. She lets her eyes drift to the TARDIS, still parked across the lawn by the trees. “Well, for you, we haven’t even done this yet.”</p><p class="p1">“Looking forward to it,” Lora muses, watching her. “How was yesterday?”</p><p class="p1">“Yesterday,” she echoes. Yesterday she arrived here for the first time, or the last time, depending on how she looks at it. She arrived feeling completely alone, <em>believing </em>she was completely alone — and then Yaz and Jack stumbled into this timeline to remind her that she spent an <em>unreasonable </em>amount of time lying to herself. “Yesterday was good.”</p><p class="p1">“Good?” he prompts.</p><p class="p1">A patient walks past, waves brightly to the Doctor like they’re old friends. The Doctor finds herself grinning back, waving a little over-enthusiastically as the woman makes her way past them and across the lawn towards the recreation room.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” she breathes. “I mean, it was difficult, but what’s that quote? Easy things are rarely worth doing, something like that?”</p><p class="p1">“Very wise,” Lora says, with a smile. “Which parts of yesterday were difficult?”</p><p class="p1">“You don’t half cut to the chase. The <em>new </em>you bribes me with biscuits,” she grumbles,only half-joking, slumping down on the bench like a moody teenager. “Custard creams, to be precise.”</p><p class="p1">Lora stifles a laugh. “I’ll bear that in mind — in the meantime, I’ll just have to trust that you’ll tell me what you need to, for your own benefit.”</p><p class="p1">She exhales, slowly. <em>That’s one way of phrasing it.</em></p><p class="p1">“Yaz was scared that she loves me more than I love her,” she says, quietly, suddenly anxious that Yaz is wandering the lawn somewhere, listening in. She brushes off her paranoia and continues: “I don’t even know how that’s possible, but I guess I must’ve made her feel like she was…”</p><p class="p1"><em>Disposable. </em>That word cuts her to the core. <em>No, of course not, she’d never think…</em></p><p class="p1">
  <em> …But I did leave her. More than once.</em>
</p><p class="p1">She clears her throat. “I made her feel like I didn’t love her. Or that I didn’t <em>value </em>her, I guess. I did leave her; once by accident, and the second time… completely, utterly on purpose.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s a hard feeling to process,” Lora says, ever-so-softly. “Being left behind.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Oh. </em>There’s a feeling she wishes she didn’t know so well. <em>Being left behind.</em></p><p class="p1">As if he can hear her thoughts (and, now that she thinks about it, she’s no proof that he <em>can’t…</em>) Lora says, “You said that two of your friends chose not to come with you, when you were ready to travel again.”</p><p class="p1">“Ryan and Graham,” she offers, but their names get caught in her throat somewhere.</p><p class="p1">Lora hums. “Would you blame Ryan and Graham for leaving you behind?”</p><p class="p1">“No,” she says, firmly. “‘Course not. They did what was right for them at the time. I’d never blame them for that.”</p><p class="p2">The patient that passed them earlier is by the trees now, accompanied by one of the other doctor's. Even from this distance, the Doctor can hear them as they raise their voice in excitement. "There are <em>birds </em>here! Can you hear the birds?"</p><p class="p2">The Doctor almost smiles. Her perception filter must be filtering their language, filtering their behaviour so that it fits the ideal of Earth she feels most comfortable with. She wonders what the patient is actually saying - what they're <em>actually </em>so excited about. </p><p class="p2">Lora clears his throat.</p><p class="p1">“What do you think about coming here?” He gestures around them; to the fountains, the intricate paving-stone pathways, the sun creeping higher above the tree-line. “Do you think it was the best thing for you to do? Would you rather have stayed?”</p><p class="p1">“I needed to come here.” That’s one thing she knows to be true. “I don’t know what I’d have done, otherwise.”</p><p class="p1">Lora hums, ever understanding. “It seems as though you did the right thing for yourself at the time.” He shifts so he’s facing her a little more on the bench. “Just as Ryan and Graham chose what was best for them, which inadvertently hurt you, you chose what was best for you, and that choice hurt Yaz.” She almost flinches at that. “But, just as the boys are not to blame for the choice they made, or for hurting you — you are not to blame for the choice you made. Even if that means Yaz got hurt.”</p><p class="p1">“I could have dealt with it better.” Her eyes glisten. “I could have come here — made the right choice — but I could have told her beforehand. I <em>should </em>have given her some warning, so that she didn’t feel so abandoned.”</p><p class="p1">“Did Ryan and Graham give you warning?” He presses on. “Did they tell you they were leaving before they left?”</p><p class="p1">“Yes.” Her voice comes out like a whisper.</p><p class="p1">“Did that make it hurt any less?”</p><p class="p1">She blinks, rapidly, willing the tears to disappear.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, Doctor,” Lora says, gently. “But surely drawing these parallels allows you to realise that not everything that happens is completely your fault. People get hurt, because people do — you can’t prevent all the hurt in the universe. But you can be there, in the aftermath. You can do what’s right, to help those you love.”</p><p class="p1">Lora presses his lips together in thought.</p><p class="p1">“I feel like you have a lot to think about, Doctor,” he says, softly. “I’m going to leave you alone with your thoughts for a moment, if that’s okay.” She nods, feeling suddenly quite small. “You know where to find me if you need me.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay this chapter feels a little bit rushed on my end (sorry!). I woke up late and wasn't in a super ~writerly~ mood, but I'm glad I forced myself to sit down and write this little chapter anyway. as soon as I finished writing I felt way more relaxed (and it helps that I've done /one/ productive thing today lol I'm getting back into my PJs now forget it). I hope you guys like this chapter regardless, I love writing soft healing stuff.</p><p>(I definitely wanted Yaz to spend the night in the Doctor's room and not the TARDIS lollll it just felt a little bit early but fuck it, I think that's coming up soooon. it will not be anything ~risque~ don't get excited I'm a KIDS author ahaha but if anyone wants to write spinoff sauciness gift it to me I'm so ready)</p><p>as always, a pleasure to be writing &amp; reading alongside you. sending all of the love my heart can muster. stay safe, wash your hands, water your plants, be kind to one another. you guys are certainly brightening one of the most lonely and isolated times of my short 24 years on this planet and I'll never stop thanking you for it. hoping I can do the same for you through these fics.</p><p>yours truly</p><p>beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. author note</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>hi angels!</p><p>i'm a little bit under the weather today (not covid, just a good ol' human cold) so I probably won't be posting a chapter this evening. I am also just super nervous about the shortlist for the ~big scary novel award~ being announced tomorrow, so I'm going to take a couple of days off and will be back to normal service on wednesday :)</p><p>you know what I'm gonna say, right? ~SUBSCRIBE~ so that you can read the new chapter straight away when it's up ♡</p><p>sending loads of love, good vibes and positive energy your way. I can't wait for you guys to read more of this one, but you'll have to sit patiently while I sniffle into lemony gingery water and watch dw re-runs for a solid 48 hours.</p><p>yours,</p><p>beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The last day at the facility.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <em>One more night.</em>
</p><p class="p1">Such a short stay, this time. Something about her almost falls back into the routine of the place, like part of her soul is drifting the way dust drifts towards an open window. Like this is her escape, somehow. She has to keep reminding herself, as often as she remembers to, that this is not somewhere one escapes to. It’s not somewhere to escape <em>from, </em>either.</p><p class="p1">In a funny kind of way, this place has nothing to do with escape at all. It’s got more to do with… respite. This place is a waiting room for lost souls. This place is… a deep breath.</p><p class="p1">For the moments she finds herself forgetting, the moments she starts drifting like dust towards the idea of foreverness in a place like this — there is Yaz. Yasmin Khan, for all her softness and human fragility, is far too big for this place. Yaz has far too much <em>about </em>her, too much fire within and a desperate thirst for adventure and courage, so much courage. Yaz would be wasted in a place like this. She’d burn it from the inside out with the spark her laughter ignites.</p><p class="p1">That’s what reminds her. The Doctor may not be sure of much in this life, but she’s sure that she wants to be wherever that girl is.</p><p class="p1"><em>And Yasmin Khan,</em> she reminds herself, firmly, <em>does not belong here.</em></p><p class="p1">She’s reminding herself this as Yaz chats enthusiastically with one of the staff members by the open refectory doors. The Doctor and Jack share a picnic blanket in the shade of the trees closest to the building; the perfect spot, Jack has decided, to people-watch. Or alien-watch, depending on who you’re talking to.</p><p class="p1">“Caught yourself a cutie, there,” Jack murmurs, following her gaze to where Yaz is gesturing brightly. “How long have you two been…?”<br/>“Jack,” the Doctor says, warningly, not meeting his eyes. She keeps her voice low. “We don’t have to talk about this.”</p><p class="p1">She knows how Jack felt — how he <em>feels </em>— about her. Jack might think he’s been oh-so-subtle in the past, but over the years, she’s figured it out. She’s not going to sit here and make him listen to her gush over Yaz, <em>knowing </em>how he feels.</p><p class="p1">Jack smiles, nudges her playfully. “It’s okay, you know. Really.”</p><p class="p1">She feels herself blush, eyes flicking from his knowing smile back to Yaz’s conversation. “Jack—”</p><p class="p1">“Doctor, I don’t mind. I’m happy for you. <em>Look </em>at her.” They both do, watching as Yaz asks questions and then purses her lips together as the staff member responds. Jack turns his gaze to the Doctor, lowers his voice and says, “She’s head over heels for you, too, you know.”</p><p class="p1">She meets his eyes. “I know.”</p><p class="p1">“Do you, though? Because it takes a lot to call a guy you’ve only met once and ask him for a ride across the universe, you know?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor nods. Bites her lip. “Yeah. Lot of pressure, to be loved like that.”</p><p class="p1">There’s a knowing look in Jack’s eyes. A sparkling honesty.</p><p class="p1">“Ah,” he says, leaning his palms back against the soft blanket beneath them. “Well, that depends, doesn’t it?”</p><p class="p1">“On what?” she murmurs.</p><p class="p1">“On whether you love her back,”</p><p class="p1">“I do,” she says, her voice hardly a whisper. She meets that playful sparkle in Jack’s eyes with her own. “But why does that mean there’s any less pressure?”</p><p class="p1">Jack thinks for a second, tilting his head to the side while his eyes still linger on the near distance, on Yaz, still chatting away, unaware. “If you love her back, there’s less pressure, because you know the last thing you’d ever want to do is hurt her. To love and be loved, Doctor. It’s like — it’s like a balance. That’s how it should feel.” He sighs, and she leans back as well, their fingers almost touching on the picnic blanket. “It’s… equilibrium.”</p><p class="p1">By the glass doors, Yaz is saying goodbye and heading back towards the two of them, slowly walking across the grass.</p><p class="p1"><em> Equilibrium. </em>She’s never thought about it like that before. It always seemed to feel that to be loved so deeply by someone meant to be responsible for making sure you never hurt them, never took advantage of what they’d do for you… The pressure of it has always felt overwhelming, to her. But, now, seeing it like that. <em>Equilibrium. Balance. Cancelling each other out and just existing together. Just being together. Loving and being loved.</em></p><p class="p1">How come she’s never thought about it like that?</p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Yaz says, almost breathless, sitting herself down opposite the two of them. She shifts to sit cross-legged on the blanket, meets the Doctor’s eyes with flushed, happy cheeks. “God — he was a talker. Learnt some stuff, though. Did you know this was an orphan planet?”</p><p class="p1">“Really?” The Doctor murmurs, although all she can <em>really </em>think about is leaning forward and planting a kiss on Yasmin Khan’s lips. Beside her, she could swear Jack is smirking. “What else did you learn?”</p><p class="p1">Yaz swipes hair back behind her ears, absently. “Well, some rich lady who’d just lost her son bought the planet and turned it into kind of a private hospital like, a hundred years ago.” She meets the Doctor’s raised eyebrow with: “Alright, I dunno when, that guy talks fast. Ages ago, anyway, and then it eventually developed into a rehabilitation facility. Cool, huh?”</p><p class="p1">“Super cool,” Jack says, with a laugh. “Trust you to be digging around in the history of the place.” He flashes her a look. “Gotta learn to switch off that Adventure Mode.”</p><p class="p1">She reaches forward to shove him, playfully, before settling back into her position on the blanket. Noticing the Doctor’s silence, Yaz stretches out her legs to bump against the Doctor’s, catching her attention. The Doctor flashes her a smile, distracted.</p><p class="p1">“Only one night more, here,” Yaz says, slowly. Her eyes flit from the Doctor to Jack. “How are you feeling?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor shrugs. Manages a tight-lipped smile. “Good, I think. Nervous, but I think I’ll be okay.”</p><p class="p1">“I think you’ll be okay, too,” Jack says, with quiet confidence. “Do you… Do you have plans, for when you leave tomorrow? I mean—” His eyes flick to Yaz, almost searching for permission. “—Are you thinking of going back to Earth, having some time to recoup, or are you going to…” He looks to the Doctor, now. Flashes her an unsure smile. “Hop straight back in the TARDIS, off again?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor turns to Yaz, but she only shrugs and says, easily, “This has to be your call.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>My call. Okay. I can do this.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“I think,” the Doctor says, slowly, with thoughtfulness that Lora would praise her for, “we should go back to Earth for a while. Maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a month — I don’t know. We should just take some time to plan and then — then, we’ll go off. Explore the universe again.” She flashes them both a grin. “Loads to see.”</p><p class="p1">“We?” says Yaz, in a small voice. “You said ‘we’.”</p><p class="p1">Next to her, the Doctor feels Jack tense with the weight of the same question. She shifts onto her knees so that she can reach both of their hands. Squeezes Jack’s hand, then Yaz’s. With a smile, she says, “Of course, we. We’re family. That is — if you want to…”</p><p class="p1">Before she’s had chance to finish her sentence, in the space of a rock skimming from one spot on the water to the next, both of her hands are held tightly, warm with the hum of two firmanswers of <em>yes.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okok so, I ~didn't~ make the shortlist but HEY top 20 novels out of over 1000 is pretty stellar and I'll take that! I also got the NICEST message from one of the judges who tracked me down on twitter to tell me she loved the book and it made her cry and she can't believe it's not published already. honestly, guys, the feeling I got reading that message felt better than I think winning would feel. I'm so thrilled. no commiserations in sight :)</p><p>I hope you liked this little chapter! I can feel this fic drifting towards a natural end in the next week or so, but I think I'll still sporadically update with the odd chapter because I LOVE these guys / this little fic's universe. so make sure you ~subscribeeee~ so you're in the loop!!</p><p>sending LOADS of love to you all, thanks for all the kind messages, you guys just make my heart soar. thank you.</p><p>yours always,</p><p>beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor and Lora meet in his office.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Time slips through her fingers, and she doesn’t feel the weight of a single passing second. When Lora calls her to his office, the afternoon is creeping to a close, and she leaves Yaz and Jack in each other’s company on the lawn as the sky turns marmalade gold.</p><p class="p1">Lora’s office is a room she’s been in before — she’s almost sure of it — but it’s a memory pushed so far back she can hardly grasp it. Maybe it was dark the last time she came in here, or maybe it’s a room she’s only walked past, not properly been inside. Either way, when she enters the room and takes a seat, it feels like she’s there for the very first time.</p><p class="p1">“It feels like I’ve had no time at all to get to know you, Doctor,” Lora says with a smile, leaning his forearms on the table between them. “Seems you’ve had a slight advantage.”</p><p class="p1">The two of them are sitting opposite one another, two leather-backed chairs separated by a dark wood table. They sit beside the window, which is floor to ceiling and criss-crossed with black lead, Tudor-style. The Doctor isn’t surprised her brain has chosen such an old-fashioned, sensible room for Lora to have as his own.</p><p class="p1">“The TARDIS — my ship — can be funny like that,” she explains, leaning back on her chair. “I always think she gets it wrong by accident; ends up dropping me off a few months too late, a few years too early…” She sighs, contentedly. “These days, I think she does it for a reason. When I came here before, you knew exactly what to say. It was like you’d…”</p><p class="p1">“…Like I’d met you before,” Lora finishes for her. “I suppose I should be thanking you, then, for the head-start.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor shrugs. “I’ve got the head-start now, seems fair enough you should get it next time.”</p><p class="p1">He flashes her an appreciative smile. Between them on the table, she notices a notebook, and feels a sudden swell of joy. It’s not <em>his </em>notebook; not the rough-edged, leather-bound thing he carries around in the future — this one is a large hardback with lined pages rather than blank sheets. But it’s <em>here. </em>He has a notebook, and a pen in his hand — though he passes it absently between his fingers rather than keeping it poised, ready to write.</p><p class="p1">The notebook might be for show, but she’s glad he has it anyway. She’s got a feeling it’ll prove quite useful, in the future.</p><p class="p1">“How are you feeling?” Lora says, shifting back against his chair as the early evening sunlight filters in through the open window. “You’ve only been here a couple of days; I’m happy to extend your stay longer, if you want to, though it feels like this might have been the respite you needed?”</p><p class="p1">She nods, slowly. “I think so. I don’t think I even needed to… <em>do </em>anything whilst I was here, you know? It’s more like…” She swallows, thickly, feeling suddenly emotional. “I needed to run away and come back here, to remind myself that this isn’t somewhere to run to.” She meets his eyes. “To remind myself I don’t ever need to run away again. No matter what happens.”</p><p class="p1">Lora’s smile seems to light up his whole face.</p><p class="p1">“How confident do you feel in your support system? In your ability to reach out for help when needed?”</p><p class="p1">“Confident,” she says, with a quiet smile. “If not in my own ability, then in the ability of…” She nods her head toward the window. “…Them lot. If I have another wobble, I’m <em>sure </em>I’ll tell someone about it — but if I don’t, I think they’ll feel comfortable calling me out.” She thinks about Yaz, calling Jack and demanding he fly her across the universe. Yaz wasn’t one to let her suffer in silence, not anymore. “I know they will.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m glad you feel that way,” Lora says, with a nod and — to her surprise — a quick scribble on the notebook between them. “I do, too. I have to say, I’ve never seen a patient so quickly followed by their support system, reaching out to help before the patient themselves even knows what they’re asking for.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor nods vacantly but she’s reading Lora’s upside-down handwriting. His lopsided scrawl reads: <em>strong support system. </em>She smiles at that. Noticing her expression, Lora laughs, making no effort to hide his writings. Instead he says, “Well, wouldn’t you agree?”</p><p class="p1">She’s felt many things about Yasmin Khan, but one thing she’s never ever felt is unsupported. Everything about Yaz screams supportive; even when it’s at the cost of her own mental health to help those around her. And Jack — well, Jack would move mountains — <em>has </em>moved mountains, probably — to come to her rescue. He’s risked everything and more to find her, to help her. Just like Yaz, at the cost of his own wellbeing, Jack would support her no matter what.</p><p class="p1">And she would support them in return. That little thought warms her, creeping up into her hearts suddenly like a match struck inside of her. In the past, she’s felt so unsure about who she is that she’s felt incapable of offering any kind of support back to her friends. She’s offered <em>adventure, chaos, distraction, </em>but only now does she feel able to offer the other stuff, too. The vulnerable stuff. It’s a sudden wave of feeling, but now she knows she can do for them what they do for her, everyday.</p><p class="p1">It’s a feeling she hopes never fades.</p><p class="p1">“I agree,” she murmurs.</p><p class="p1">“Then, Doctor,” Lora says, standing to his feet with a smile. “I’ll let you get back to your family. We’ll meet again in the morning — or earlier, if you need me in the meantime. I’m so proud of you for reaching out for help, and so happy you have the support you deserve.”</p><p class="p1"><em>The support you deserve. </em>His wording warms her. She stands, feeling her cheeks ache from smiling, and heads towards the door.</p><p class="p1">In the future, the Doctor knows, Lora will abandon his office and settle for treating patients outside in the natural light. After a few years of playing things by the rule book, he’ll step out of his comfort zone and discover he works better when thinking outside of the box. Many years from this very moment, he’ll be faced with one unconventional patient — a situation he’s only faced once before in his professional life — who will test the boundaries of the programme he’s created in the safety of this facility. He’ll face a patient whose timeline is so far from linear he’s treating her for something she hasn’t even done yet — <em>crime prevention as well as rehabilitation, </em>he’ll tell her, thinking on the spot because <em>hell </em>knows how he’s supposed to handle this one. But he’ll manage, because he’s been given a head-start.</p><p class="p1">Many years from this very moment, there will be a woman chained to the desk in this very office; angry and volatile and above all else, <em>afraid. </em>Lora will see through her fear and her anger and he will remember <em>this moment, </em>right here, right now, as he watches that woman pause in the doorway, flash him the brightest of grins, and head off to find her friends.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter feels slow and calm so I'm sorry if you were hoping for something a little more exciting ahaha I've been sooo sleepy today and my writing is sleepy too. but I hope this tides you over for now.♡ i haven't even proof-read this one I have simply poured out some words and now i'm switching off for the evening so apologies if you stumble upon any errors!</p><p>thank you as always for your kind words &amp; good vibes, you all mean so much to me. I hope you're all keeping yourselves safe and sane; if you're struggling then here's your permission to claim Lora as your very own therapist to guide you through these tough times. be kind and gentle with yourself, get a houseplant if possible, drink herbal tea to soothe your soul and if you need a new book to read I can recommend 'the invisible life of addie larue' by V.E Schwab -- I'm halfway through and it's truly beautiful.</p><p>sending endless endless love &amp; virtual cuddles</p><p>yours, beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yaz shares a secret.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The evening draws in. They watch the sunset together, the three of them, and eventually Jack slips away and back to the TARDIS, claiming to need an early night. Both women see right through his attempts to give the two of them alone time. Neither of them protest.</p><p class="p1">As the evening creeps into night and the cold wind chases them inside, the Doctor takes a deep breath and Yaz’s hand in hers and leads her back to the bedroom. They sneak through the empty hallways like a couple of reckless teenagers, giggling and stumbling until they’ve found the right door and slipped inside.</p><p class="p1">Yaz doesn’t comment on the empty room, and the Doctor is grateful. It's not quite as homely as she'd made it the first time around. Yaz slips off her jacket and shoes and settles down on the duvet, gesturing for her to join. They sit together, side by side, on the bed, with their backs against the wall so they can face the window. The curtains are still pulled back and moonlight slips in quietly, casts skeletal shadows across wooden floorboards. They sit in quiet for a while, the Doctor tracing invisible patterns on the back of Yaz’s hands until Yaz finally breaks the silence.</p><p class="p1">“Lora gave me something,” she whispers, her eyes bright and impossibly beautiful in the pale moonlight. “I think I should tell you.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor’s hand pauses, in the middle of drawing a constellation over Yaz’s skin. “Okay.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” Yaz echoes. “I just, I think it’s time.”</p><p class="p1">“Lora gave it to you?”</p><p class="p1">“Not <em>this </em>Lora — the old one.”</p><p class="p1">“The new one,” the Doctor corrects, with a gentle smirk.</p><p class="p1">“Right, the new Lora — <em>our </em>Lora, anyhow — he gave me this.” Tentatively, she reaches down to her jacket, discarded on the floor beside the bed, and pulls out a single white envelope, face down. “I wanted to read it with you. That was the plan, anyway. But then, when you left to come here…” The Doctor reaches out, places a hand on her arm, but Yaz only shrugs. “Well, when you left, I read it. I wanted to feel close to you, again. And when I read it, I knew where you’d be. I knew I had to find you.”</p><p class="p1">She holds the envelope out to the Doctor, who takes it with shaking fingers. The Doctor takes a deep breath, feels Yaz shift closer to her on the bed, and turns the envelope over. On the front of the envelope is a single name, in her own scrawled handwriting.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Yaz.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Lora gave this to you,” she breathes, clutching the envelope tightly between her fingers, running her thumb over the smudged ‘z’, the curl of the ‘y’. “When?”</p><p class="p1">“Remember our last family therapy session?” Yaz says, softly. “There was a moment, at Graham’s house, where you went outside to talk to Ryan. Lora spoke to Graham and I about how we could support you, and he gave me the envelope. Said one day you might need to read it again.” Yaz stops talking suddenly, notices the tears shining in the Doctor’s eyes. “Are you mad?”</p><p class="p1">“No,” she says, with a sniff. She shifts closer to Yaz, their shoulders touching. “Am not mad.”</p><p class="p1">“D’ya want to read it?” Yaz prompts, gently. “It helped me feel closer to you. It might help <em>you </em>feel closer to you, too.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor passes the envelope back. Leans her head against Yaz’s shoulder.</p><p class="p1">“Will you read it to me?” she asks, so quietly Yaz is barely sure she’s heard it. "Please?"</p><p class="p1">Yaz nods, slipping one of her legs underneath the Doctor’s, tugging their two bodies closer together as she begins to read.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <em>Yaz,</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>Feels daft, writing this. I haven’t been here long but Lora asked me to write this letter and… I dunno. Felt like I should do it. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>It’s weird this. Me, behaving. Doing what I’m told. Doesn’t really feel like me, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe I should be trying to be less like me. Wait, no. I didn’t mean that. Ah, I’m messing this up.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>Not going to scribble stuff out though, I think this is supposed to be kind of like a stream of consciousness. Or maybe I’ve got it wrong. Anyway. There’s some stuff I have to say, Yaz. You’ll never read this, but that doesn’t matter.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>The last time I saw you, I told you to get off me. I said other stuff, too — told you to live a good life, I remember that bit. I remember everything; the look on your face, the feel of your hand grabbing my arm… Everything. Truth is, I shouldn’t have done any of that. Shouldn’t have left you, shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I’ve just been rubbish. A rubbish mate, a rubbish… everything.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I wish I could see you and speak to you properly. But I reckon even if you were here, I wouldn’t be able to say this stuff to your face. Lora says writing it down will help, but I can’t see the point in it, really. I’m struggling to see the point in being here at all, to be honest. But I’m here, and I can’t leave. Not yet, anyway.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I miss you loads. Every day. I always think about you. Even little things like having a brew or a custard cream makes me think about you. Ugh, I hate this. Missing you, thinking about you. Knowing the last time I saw you I was a proper, massive idiot.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I don’t know if you’ll want to come with me again, when I’m out. When I’m better. Probably not, I’m guessing. If I’m being completely truthful, Yaz, I dunno if I want you to come with me.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>Oh, that looks awful written down.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>What I mean is — I shouldn’t take you with me. Because I can’t trust myself not to be reckless with you. Because you’re too important, and I’m too careless, and together, that could be… devastating. </em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I almost lost you. I’ve lost so many friends before, Yaz. But I really, really can’t lose you.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I hope you’ve carried on without me. I hope you’re just living your life, PC Khan; happy and kind and helping people like you always do. Look after yourself and Graham and Ryan. Don’t think about me too much, okay? It’ll make you sad.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I’ll be thinking about you enough for the both of us.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>Anyway, this is me, signing off, I guess.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>I’m sorry.</em>
</p><p class="p3">
  <em>The Doctor</em>
</p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p3">“I was so afraid,” the Doctor whispers, leaning into the arm Yaz has wrapped tightly around her shoulders. “I thought I was so careless. I thought I ruined everything, and that meant I was bound to ruin you, too.”</p><p class="p3">The moonlight pours in through the window, now, stretching all the way to their intertwined legs, the letter discarded beside them on the bedsheets. Yaz sighs and her free hand finds the Doctor’s, loops their fingers together. She presses her palm against the Doctor’s and whispers, “It’s not like that now.”</p><p class="p3">Their cheeks brush as the Doctor turns her face upwards, swiping a stray curl of Yaz’s hair back behind her ear. She presses her lips to Yaz’s, softly at first and then more urgently as they fall into each other. Time stands still, then. <em>It's the only way to make time stand still</em>, she realises, suddenly, <em>kissing Yasmin Khan</em>. It's moments like these when she finds herself completely free, no longer under the heavy weight of passing seconds, minutes, hours. Only here. Only now.</p><p class="p3">She pulls away, breathless, to meet Yaz’s eyes.</p><p class="p3">“What?” Yaz says, like a gasp, red-lipped and glassy-eyed. “Are you okay?”</p><p class="p3">“I’ll never leave you again,” the Doctor promises, searching Yaz’s eyes desperately for understanding. She cradles Yaz’s chin in her hand, brushes the back of her hand against Yaz’s cheek. “Okay?”</p><p class="p3">“Okay,” Yaz says, pulling her back in. “Okay.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really hope you guys liked this little chapter! I'll hopefully get a little bit more writing done this weekend, and then on monday I'm starting my new job so we might have to switch to weekly updates, but don't worry, I'm not abandoning this fic in a hurry. There seems to have been an influx of people reading (or in some cases re-reading) mercy on me this week, so it felt like a nice time to bring back this little moment; the letter she wrote in her early days of therapy with Lora. It's nice to see how she's grown, isn't it?</p><p>Sending ooooodles of love to you all. ♡ I went to the emergency dentist today because I'm in agony with my teeth and it turns out I have three (3) wisdom teeth growing through and TWO of them are infected. What a crock of shit. Anyway, got some cool painkillers and antibiotics so will hopefully be dandy, but THEN I came home, sat on my bed, and it completely broke. No idea how it happened but yes... my entire day has been like something from a sitcom. Luckily I woke up with a great sense of humour today and a positive mindset and I have found my whole day hilariously chaotic. Tonight I'm sleeping on just a mattress on the floor but I've piled it with blankets like a little nest and I love it. Ah, you win some, you lose some.</p><p>I'm going to order a takeaway and read my book and hope tomorrow is just *slightly* less mad. lol.</p><p>from your little northern gremlin</p><p>Beth</p><p>♡</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. author note</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hi angels!!</p><p>Huge power cut my end. No heating, lights, WiFi etc. Phone is gonna die soon but I'm all safe and well and to be honest finding this whole weekend hilarious. We haven't had power since Friday night!! Ahahaha. Starting my new job tomorrow and have been promised a generator about midnight tonight by the power company so should be dandy.</p><p>Anyway, love you all, I'll update as soon as I can. </p><p>Yours always</p><p>Beth</p><p>Xx</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's almost time to go.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alright, I planned to upload a chapter last week but everything was ~mental~ over here. Everything's fine now, though; new job is going so amazingly well and I love it, we have power in my house again, I still don't have a bed but it turns out a mattress and a shit ton of blankets is actually like a huge comfy nest?! </p><p>All is well, balance is restored -- here's a little mid-week treat for you. If you wanna be updated of the next chapter that will probably arrive this weekend, then click ~subscribeee~. Endless love.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"><em>Mornings are so weird, </em>thinks the Doctor, holding out her hand to catch beams of yellow sunlight as they filter in through the window. <em>So completely made up, and so absolutely important. </em>She turns her hand over, palm facing up, and feels the warmth start to spread across her fingertips. <em>How is it that wherever I am, the world has a way of waking up each day?</em></p><p class="p1">The Doctor hums aloud to the empty room, lets her sun-soaked hand drop to her side, and steps into the light. If she glances down, she can see her hair (still too long and unruly for her liking) catch golden, like each strand is an individual burning fire. She squints against the brightness but fights to keep her eyes open, eyelashes blurring at the edge of her vision.</p><p class="p1">Her mind, as it always does this time of day, drifts to foreverness.</p><p class="p1">Eternity. Immortality. Whatever the kids are calling it these days.</p><p class="p1">“I wonder how many of these I’ll see,” she murmurs to herself, voice echoing in the high-ceilinged room. “Wonder how many more mornings I’ve got left in me.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Feels like an eternal morning at the moment, </em>she thinks, suddenly, almost afraid to let the thought escape her lips. She reaches out to press a hand against the warm glass of her bedroom window, squinting through to the empty garden outside, the slight blue blur of the TARDIS somewhere by the tree-line. <em>One constant, rising sun. </em></p><p class="p1">Maybe it’s the sense of possibility she’s felt about her recently. Maybe it’s the smell of second chances in the air, or the constant, reliable friendship like a firm hand on her shoulder. Maybe she’s just starting to realise that starting again isn’t always a bad thing.</p><p class="p1">Rebirth.</p><p class="p1">The Doctor closes her eyes, soaking up the sunlight like a plant in photosynthesis. <em>No matter what happens, tomorrow always comes.</em></p><p class="p1">The universe can be funny like that.</p><p class="p1">In one swift movement, she forces her eyes open, turns to face the bedroom, and takes it all in for the last time. And it <em>is </em>the last time, now, she can feel it deep down. Somewhere in the thudding of her two individual heartbeats she feels a kind of finality that she didn’t the last time she left. She allows herself one small moment of grief; a kind of longing for the person that will find shelter in these four walls somewhere in the future. In some reality, sometimeline, that person is curled up on this bed wishing she were anywhere else.</p><p class="p1">In this reality, this timeline, she’s finding it quite difficult to leave.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Yaz falls into her role of Support System almost too well. The Doctor manages to find Jack wandering in the garden with a fresh cup of coffee, but he explains that Yaz has been hassling the doctors for hours trying to make sure they had all of the self-help booklets and discharge information they needed. The Doctor and Jack stroll aimlessly through the gardens anyway, heading in the direction of the TARDIS. The Doctor’s heart feels heavy and light at the same time, her feet seeming to drag against the ground whilst at the same time itching to break into a run.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Today’s the day.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Something happened last night, didn’t it?” Jack says, interrupting her thoughts, only half-frowning as he shoots a look in her direction. “With you and your girl.”</p><p class="p1">“What d’you mean?”</p><p class="p1">“Something happened between the two of you,” he says, simply. “Something’s changed.”</p><p class="p1">She sighs. “Everything changes, all the time.”</p><p class="p1">Jack scoffs. “Way to keep it vague. You know what that’s called, don’t you? That’s called <em>avoidance</em>.”</p><p class="p1">She stifles a laugh. “Avoidance?” She nudges him, playful. “You’ve been here too long already. Who are you — Lora?”</p><p class="p1">Jack grins. “Hottie Doctor? Ah, I wouldn’t be so offended.” He dodges another shove, almost barrelling into a nearby patient. As the Doctor sniggers beside him, Jack apologises profusely and falls back into step beside her. “God, you’re the worst.”</p><p class="p1">“Nah,” she says, lightly. “You love me really.”</p><p class="p1">“That I do,” he replies, easily, “and I know when you’re keeping things to yourself.”</p><p class="p1">Their walk slows without either of them saying anything.</p><p class="p1">“She showed me this letter I wrote to her, the first time around,” she says, finally, finding herself wrapping her arms around her middle, a shrinking violet. “She thought it’d be good for me to hear it — and it was, I’m honestly glad I did — it’s just… I don’t know.”</p><p class="p1">“The apology letter?” Jack says, one eyebrow raised. “Like the twelve steps thing? Righting those you’ve wronged.”</p><p class="p1">She shrugs. “I don’t think that was what it was, really. But I s’pose it’s the same principle.” Jack nods, understanding. She huffs an impatient sigh. “Everything seems to take so long, doesn’t it? Sometimes I wish I could just click my fingers and just… <em>feel better.</em>”</p><p class="p1">Jack’s smile is sad. “Curse of the time lords?”</p><p class="p1"><em>You’re not a time lord, </em>the voice in the back of her head niggles. <em>Not really.</em></p><p class="p1"><em> You don’t know </em>who <em>you are.</em></p><p class="p1">Clearing her throat, she shrugs it off with a smile. “Maybe that’s just a curse of life. You can jump back or spring forwards, but you can’t speed up or slow down your own growth. You have to just… life through what you have to live through.”</p><p class="p1">“Friend of mine used to always say <em>trust the process</em>,” Jack muses, lightly, flashing her a smirk as they pause by the doors of the TARDIS. Across the lawn, Yaz and Lora are making their way towards them, Yaz talking animatedly as he hands her a cluster of papers. “Whenever I’m feeling unsure, I remember that. I kinda like it. Trust the process.”</p><p class="p1">“Did you know Van Gogh too?” she says, a sparkle in her eyes.</p><p class="p1">Jack grins.</p><p class="p1">“Hiya,” Yaz greets them, beaming. “You okay?”</p><p class="p1">“You got enough leaflets there?” Jack jokes, gesturing to the cluster of pamphlets and release forms Yaz is clasping in her hands. “We’ll have enough to start our own rehab soon.”</p><p class="p1">“Shut up.”</p><p class="p1">With a quick squeeze of the Doctor’s arm, Yaz moves to stand beside Jack and leaves the Doctor and Lora to face each other. Lora — despite being younger and fresher-faced — has the same kindness in his eyes that she’s used to. The same expression on his face that somehow makes her feel like she’s a little kid off on her first day of school.</p><p class="p1">“So,” the Doctor says, almost holding her breath as she speaks, chest tightening as soon as she meets his eyes. “Today’s the day.”</p><p class="p1">Lora meets her gaze and holds it. “For what?”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p class="p1">She takes a deep breath, holds it, then exhales.</p><p class="p1">“To start over,” she tells him, eyes sparkling. “To try again.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh, Doctor,” says Lora, with a smile. “Every day’s the day for that, don’t you think?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorry for not proofreading but my new job now entails a LOT of proofreading and I just couldn't hack it. If you see any big glaring mistakes or continuity things lemme know but otherwise I hope you enjoyed this little reflective wander-through-the-gardens chapter. I'm really hoping to update at the weekend but like I said earlier, click subscribe and you will be the first to know!</p><p>I hope everyone has had a good week! I've recently learnt about affirmations and they've been making me feel a lot better about life this week, so I'm going to leave you with two of my favourites. Sending loads and loads of good vibes &amp; positive energy &amp; well wishes and REMEMBER TO WATER YOUR PLANTS AND YOURSELVES self care is important you bastards.</p><p>Also, if you're able to, pls consider buying a struggling artist a coffee via this lovely link: ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p><p>♡</p><p>Your affirmations for this week:</p><p>~I am falling more in love with myself every day.</p><p>~I am exactly where I need to be.</p><p>♡</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The final goodbye.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Goodbyes. Worst thing in the world, goodbyes.</p><p class="p1">They’re the reason she’s here, for a second time; the parting of Graham and Ryan, the loss of something she’d held so close, <em>that’s </em>what sent her into a hopeless spiral. Maybe goodbyes are even the reason she came here the first time. Saying goodbye to everything she knew to be true — that feeling was so massive it sent ripples across the universe. It was a <em>goodbye </em>so colossal that she was almost saying it to herself.</p><p class="p1">But because of the goodbye — the ending — Lora found her. And mended her, mended all the parts of her that she thought were truly unmendable. And everything got better, slowly but surely, because goodbyes are endings but endings are never really endings.</p><p class="p1"><em>With every ending, there is a new beginning, </em>she thinks to herself now, her back pressed against the outside door of the TARDIS as she runs her eyes over the facility for the last time. <em>In all my lives, I’ve never known something to end without something beginning.</em></p><p class="p1">It’s a little glimmer of hope that she’s holding onto.</p><p class="p1">Her other glimmers of hope stand either side of her, Yaz’s arm brushing against hers, Jack’s smile radiating charm over Lora as they say their goodbyes. She’s not stepping into the ending alone. They’ll do it together.</p><p class="p1">It will be a new beginning for all of them.</p><p class="p1">A hand touches her wrist.</p><p class="p1">“We should wait inside,” Yaz is saying, shooting Jack a look over the Doctor’s shoulder. “Give you two time to say goodbye.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Goodbye.</em>
</p><p class="p1">She feels herself nodding, though her eyes are still focussed somewhere by her old bedroom window, where the sunlight catches and shimmers on the glass and inside the bedding will be being changed for the next patient, the floors will be mopped and the surfaces wiped and she’ll have never been here at all.</p><p class="p1">The TARDIS door clicks shut behind them.</p><p class="p1">“Weird, this. Isn’t it?” She swallows, feels herself starting to ramble. “I mean, for me, Lora, this is kind of a significant goodbye. You know? And you’ve barely known me five minutes.”</p><p class="p1">Lora smiles. “I imagine I’ll look back on this moment and realise the significance of it later on.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Maybe that’s true, </em>she thinks, her mouth unwilling to say the words aloud. She thinks about the Lora of the future — of <em>her</em> past — the one who sat by her side and waited patiently for her to open up and challenged her when she needed challenging and then stepped back like a mother bird watching her baby discover it’s wings and let her fly away. <em>That </em>Lora wouldn’t forget her, that’s something she felt sure of. <em>And, of course, there’s no ‘this’ Lora or ‘that’ Lora, really. There’s just Lora, and he’s here.</em></p><p class="p1">“You know, I’m glad I came here.” She doesn’t meet his eyes, instead scuffing her shoe against the grass like a child, hands interlocked and fingernails pressing lightly against her palms. “I’m glad that, y’know, when I felt lost, I came back.”</p><p class="p1">Lora hums, watching her, a smile playing lightly on her lips. “I’ve always thought of this place as a kind of waiting room.”</p><p class="p1">Her eyes shoot up to his, suddenly. “Me, too.”</p><p class="p1">It’s only half-true. This place has been — and will be — so much more than a waiting room to the Doctor. It has been a prison, a hospital, a refuge, a burden, a home. But, she supposes, places are never really meant to be just one thing.</p><p class="p1"><em>A waiting room. </em>Funny, how that one definition can encompass so many things.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Anxiety. Anticipation. Reflection. Patience.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> Hope.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“Do you think you’ll be back?” Lora says, and it’s a question, the Doctor thinks, that his older self perhaps wouldn’t ask. She smiles, knowingly, and he mirrors her. “Other than the time we already know about, of course.”</p><p class="p1">She shakes her head. “If I come back, it’ll be a passing visit.” She glances across the lawn, to where the sunlight glimmers across her old bedroom window. “No need to prepare a room, next time. You could pop the kettle on, though.”</p><p class="p1">He laughs. “I’ll bear that in mind.”</p><p class="p1">Their goodbye hangs in the air between them. She can hear it in the birdsong, in the swooping sparrows and gentle breeze through perfectly spaced trees. The sound of their goodbye plays in the soft chime of teaspoon against china mug as, somewhere, someone else finds respite in a hot beverage and quiet conversation. Their goodbye is a lullaby that echoes the white hallways and drifts through the recreation room to the soft percussion of board games and laughter.</p><p class="p1">Their goodbye sounds like healing.</p><p class="p1">She doesn’t need to say it aloud for either of them to hear it.</p><p class="p1">Slowly, she extends her hand, and Lora reaches out to shake it.</p><p class="p1">“It’s been a pleasure,” Lora says, quietly, with the softness of an old friend. “I’m sure it always will be.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor nods, meets his eyes with her own, and grins. Then, in the space of a deep breath, she drops his hand, turns around, and opens the TARDIS door.</p><p class="p1">She pauses in the doorway, one foot inside the TARDIS, the other still on the grassy land of this healing planet. Yaz and Jack wait by the console, smiles wide, hearts open wider. The Doctor turns, suddenly, back to Lora.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll say no to family therapy the first time,” she tells him, suddenly, “but I really do need it. If you push me to go — well, I’ll never stop thanking you for it.”</p><p class="p1">“Family therapy,” he says. “Got it.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh — one last thing.” She leans in a little closer, mischief sparkling in her eyes. “If you don’t keep an eye on me those first few days I’m here, I’ll be tunnelling out of this place with spoons.”</p><p class="p1">She closes the TARDIS door to the sound of Lora’s soft laughter, springs across to the console, and allows herself to be pulled into one very warm hug.</p><p class="p1">Inside of her, something glows.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay it's been like three weeks I'm soooo sorry. My new job is amazing and I love it?! But it's been super busy and I'm so ~desperate to please~ I've been putting extra hours in and doing loads of training stuff.</p><p>Also, this chapter just felt really important and big to me? So I wanted to make sure I did it right.</p><p>I hope I've done Lora + the Doctor's relationship justice with this goodbye! Please let me know what you think. And no, I don't think this will be the last chapter of the landing, don't worry, but I think the chapters will be slightly slower and spaced slightly further apart from here on out! I'm going to try and do a chapter a week, but it might be every fortnight or so -- so click ~SUBSCRIBE~ and then you'll get a pleasant lil surprise in your inbox every time there's an update!♡</p><p>I love you guys endlessly. Thank you for sticking with me (+the doctor) on this journey. It's absolutely melted my heart to see how much the mercy on me universe has meant to some of you. It's an honour, honestly. (And when my Real Life books are published I will expect ALL of you to be there ;-)). </p><p>See you again soon. Promise.</p><p>Yours,</p><p>Beth</p><p>♡</p><p>p.s if you like this writing pls consider donating a lil cup of coffee to this lil struggling writer lol she will probably spend it on groceries because there are NO coffee shops open right now but she'll literally cry when she sees the notification honestly it means so much</p><p> </p><p>donation link if you're able to: ♡  ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Freedom.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Those first few hours are like a breath of fresh air. The pleasure of each other’s company, the freedom of the TARDIS, the wild, vast ocean of possibility laid out in front of them like a dream. They have tea and custard creams sitting on the floor of the console room, Jack mixes up elaborate cocktails that all taste awful but look beautiful and Yaz, giggly from margaritas, rattles off her favourite Abba songs with strenuous detail.</p><p class="p1">Nobody asks the question; nobody wants to be the first to ask it. It’s in the back of all of their minds; the <em>reason </em>Jack tug out his mixer and Yaz sipped too enthusiastically at his creations, the reason the Doctor keeps laughing and talking like a shark swimming in circles lest it rest and sink downwards.</p><p class="p1">They gulp in the fresh air and after the dizziness of the oxygen fades away, they feel breathless again.</p><p class="p1">Evening creeps in, or maybe it doesn’t, maybe the <em>feeling </em>of evening does. All three of them teeter on the edge of burnt out, fizzling with exhaustion, and they drift off to their separate bedrooms with promises of adventures in the morning.</p><p class="p1">Nobody has asked the question. Nobody can stand the weight of it.</p><p class="p1">Yaz and Jack find their bedrooms and sink into their beds for the evening. The Doctor wanders in the vague direction of hers, then loops back around, finds herself in the console room again. She wants to talk aloud to the TARDIS, but she’s been talking so much today that the words don’t seem to make their way down from her brain to her mouth. The old girl seems to know, anyway — they’ve never needed something as mediocre as language to communicate — and she hums softly as the Doctor circles the console aimlessly.</p><p class="p1">When she’s sure everyone must be asleep by now, the Doctor fiddles with the console, pulls the lever, sends them gently hurtling into the middle of nowhere. She puts the breaks on when they’re floating a few hundred miles away from Earth; where the galaxy sparkles blue and purple across the sky but the sun is far enough away not to feel the heat on your cheeks.</p><p class="p1">She swings the doors open, sits down to swing her legs into stars like she’s done a thousand times before. Head leaning against the doorframe, arms pulled tightly across her chest, she exhales. If this morning was a deep breath in, then right now is the longest breath out she’s ever felt. It’s relief and confusion, bundled into one.</p><p class="p1">The question niggles at the back of her mind. The question her friends weren’t brave enough to ask; the question she was afraid might shatter this small pocket of happiness they seem to have found together.</p><p class="p1">“Where next?” she whispers, wondering if the question will have less power once said aloud.</p><p class="p1">No such luck.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Where next?</em>
</p><p class="p1"><em> It all depends, doesn’t it? </em>she thinks, with a sigh. <em>Feels like my answer to that question is the start of something really big.</em></p><p class="p1">As soon as she’s picked a destination, surely that sets the tone for the beginning of the rest of her life as she knows it? That’s how it feels anyway. By choosing adventure, it feels like she’s actively putting a message out into the universe: <em>I’m choosing adventure. I’m ready for adventure.</em></p><p class="p1">
  <em> I’m ready to be this person again.</em>
</p><p class="p1">The truth is, she’s not sure she is.</p><p class="p1">“Penny for your thoughts?”</p><p class="p1">Her heart sinks, and she looks up into wide eyes of Yasmin Khan, her face still soft from sleep.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Oh, Yaz. My thoughts cost a lot more than that.</em>
</p><p class="p1">Unable to find the words, she forces a smile and gestures to the spare spot next to her on the TARDIS floor. Yaz doesn’t sit down straight away. She shuffles towards her, still rubbing sleep from her eyes, and pauses to watch the back of the Doctor’s head.</p><p class="p1">“I can hear you thinking,” the Doctor says, finally, her eyes fixed on the galaxy in front of them. When Yaz says nothing, she adds, “What is it, Yaz?”</p><p class="p1">Yaz hums. “You’re not thinking about…?”</p><p class="p1">She doesn’t need to hear the end of the sentence. Her imagination springs into action.</p><p class="p1">“What? No, Yaz, c’mon.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz finally lowers herself to sit cross-legged beside her. “Because if you were, that would be okay, you know.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor flashes her a small smile. Brief, bright.</p><p class="p1">Unconvincing.</p><p class="p1">“I dunno what you mean,” she says, turning away, leaning her head back against the doorframe, desperately trying to lose herself in the stars.</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” Yaz says, slowly. “I’ll tell you what I mean.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor holds her breath. Yaz’s voice doesn’t waver for a second.</p><p class="p1">“I mean,” Yaz says, “that if you’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s okay. If you feel like you’d rather be anywhere but here right now, and everything feels like it’s going back to normal too quickly and too slowly at the same time, or if you want to be alone but you can’t remember how to do it properly — that’s all okay.” She pauses. Takes a breath. “If your heart is telling you to run away and your head is insisting that you know better, <em>that’s okay.”</em></p><p class="p1">Their knees bump together. The Doctor sighs, inwardly. Here she is again. Fight or flight, only she’s learning, slowly, that they aren’t always the only available responses.</p><p class="p1">“I think, I don’t know… All of the above?” Her voice is small. Her pinky finger finds Yaz’s, and her gaze drifts down as their hands intertwine. “Sorry for not voicing it. I am fine, I promise. I’m not panicking I’m just… processing.”</p><p class="p1">Yaz nods. “That’s okay. You can take as much time as you need, you know. I’m going nowhere. Neither’s Jack.”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor snorts. “That’s what I was afraid of.”</p><p class="p1">She feels her anxiety begin to dissipate. Outside the TARDIS, a star shoots across the sky; too slow and too fast at the same time, soaring over the Earth’s moon and disappearing somewhere into inky blackness.</p><p class="p1">“I know the answer to the question,” she says, suddenly, definitively. She turns to meet Yaz’s gaze, eyes sparkling. “You can ask me, now.”</p><p class="p1">“Uh…” Yaz’s eyes flick across the Doctor’s face. “Happy for you, I really am, but you’re doing that thing again.”</p><p class="p1">“What thing?”</p><p class="p1">“Assuming I know what’s happening.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh.” The Doctor pushes herself to her feet, springing up suddenly and leaving a slightly startled Yasmin Khan peering up at her from the TARDIS floor. “The question, Yaz, is <em>where next?”</em></p><p class="p1">Yaz’s expression softens. “And the answer?”</p><p class="p1">The Doctor offers her a hand, tugging her to her feet.</p><p class="p1">“Home.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, it's such a pleasure to see you all here again! As lockdown loneliness started to kick in again, I suddenly realised that this time last year I found a community here with you guys when I wrote 'mercy on me', this fic's prequel. You were all truly there for me in that ugly dark confusing time and we grew together (for like a solid YEAR that's incredible). I remembered all of your lovely comments and donations, and how so many of you had told me how much it meant to have something to read, to look forward to, and to find comfort in. </p><p>Then I thought, fucking hell Beth you piece of shit you haven't updated that fic in almost a month.</p><p>So, this chapter is a small apology and a promise: there's more to come. There's always more to look forward to, always more to talk about, and ALWAYS more to write. If you're still here, if you've stuck around from the beginning or just found my writing randomly -- cheers for being here. Couldn't be me without you.</p><p>Love endlessly from your northern gremlin,</p><p>Beth x</p><p> </p><p>~if you liked my shitty words and want to donate a lil cup of coffee to a struggling artist, coffee shops might actually be open soon and I'll no longer be spending donation money on dishwasher tablets so please consider a one off ko-fi donation, have a little look below I love you thank you so much~</p><p>ko-fi.com/quillsandcoffee</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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